The Furthest Thing

Sometimes, which is becoming most of the time, I feel like a hot mess.

• I still don't love myself the way God loves does.
• I still can't seem to stick to a regular sleeping and working schedule. I buy these planners and calendars, create detailed schedules and never follow them.
• I struggle with getting to work on time and have been late on days when I was being observed.
• I'm still not being honest with everyone about how I feel and what I want.
• I still can't let that guy go..even though he has been tap-dancing all over my heart and self-esteem.
• I am starting to curse like a sailor.
• I still refuse to let go of the past.
• I'm not putting in as much effort as I should in my relationship with God. I'm giving Him pieces of me instead of all of me. I'm not making as much time for Him as He truly deserves.

I've made a lot of progress in the last few months, but while I now know who I am and who God created me to be, I haven't fully internalized and embraced it yet. In fact, for the last 2 weeks, I have been really putting myself down--I put myself down in conversations with others and instead of engaging in positive self-talk with myself, I have been reminding myself of the negative things that toxic people have spoke over my life and am holding onto it.

Because of my battle with self-love and low self-esteem, I often find myself becoming and being jealous of other women. I compare myself to them and always find myself coming up short. These feelings of insecurity and jealousy lead me to wanting to be someone other than the woman God created me to be. I forget that the only person I should be comparing myself to is the old Jenai. I start to see other women as competition or my enemy--which is even worse. I want to see all women as my sisters, as my friends, but my jealousy and insecurity make it hard to do that sometimes.

With all of this in mind, I wonder if I should have created Not of This World--should I be posting on Facebook, making YouTube videos and creating blog posts in an attempt to help, empower, support and guide other women when I'm obviously still battling my own inner demons?

And when I see other Christian women who have created safe communities and ministries, they seem to be so put together--they have successful careers, a healthy & happy marriage/relationship or they seem to be completely at peace with being single, they have mastered living healthily, they're empowered & confident & happy, they're intelligent, they have a close & stable relationship with God and they're freakin' beautiful--inside and out. It's like they're everything I'm...not. Or everything I'm trying to be, but for whatever reason, can't. I began to feel that maybe I shouldn't be trying to help anyone--I'm too much of a mess to do so.

But I'm starting to realize that no one is perfect--not even the people who seem like they are--and that I don't have to be perfect to do God's work and be a blessing to others. In fact, my flaws have helped to make me a beautiful woman who can empathize, support, love and accept others. They have blessed me with perspective and understanding.

When I think about being a mess and still being able to do good, I think of a scene on My Mad Fat Diary, a new show that is shown in the UK. Rae, the main character is a 16-year-old who is struggling with mental illness, among other issues. She has a therapist, named Kester. Kester is far from perfect--he's in the midst of a divorce and has been kicked out of his house. Due to his own personal issues--his divorce and the death of one of his clients, he took a leave of absence  In the scene I'm referring to, Rae has found Kester in his home, lying next to a toilet in what appears to be the aftermath of a very rough night.

They have a heart-to-heart, and in that heart-to-heart, Rae tells him, "I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

And that pulled my heartstrings.

"I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

I may be imperfect, I may even be a mess sometimes. And maybe my imperfections, my struggles, make me easier to relate to. Maybe it makes it easier for other women to see themselves in me. And when I succeed, when I overcome--and I will, they will be able to see that someone like them can make it out of their mess.

God didn't call me to be perfect. He called me to be Jenai--flaws and all. He also knows that I'm more than my flaws. He sees all of me, knows all of me and loves me unconditionally. I will continue to work on loving and seeing myself the way God does. I hope you continue to do the same.

Love,
Jenai H.