Change is Constant, Growth is Optional

I believe that each and every one of us has a unique, divine purpose to fulfill, a mission to accomplish. Our purposes' aren't the same and while some of us may have a similar purpose, we will probably fulfill that purpose in a different way from our peers. However, no matter what we do or how we do it, it is all, hopefully, going towards the same goal of changing the world for the better, for spreading love, for performing love and ridding the world of anything that even resembles hate. And no matter how small or big each contribution may seem, we are all needed to make the change happen and for the change to remain.

It should be no secret that we live in a society that is filled with hate--and that hate has manifested itself into racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, etc. I've written about this before and truly believe that it is necessary that as a black woman who believes her purpose is to perform the radical act of walking in love, that I do my best to call out these forms of hate, to challenge, rebel and reject them and to stand with those who are oppressed. That, to me, is an important part of putting love into action, into more than a feeling. Loving someone, loving others, should lead to you caring about their well-being, wanting the best for them and being there for them when they need you.

Michael Brown, an unarmed, black 18-year-old was gunned down, shot and killed in Ferguson, Missouri by Darren Wilson, a police officer of the St. Louis County Police Department on Saturday, August 9, 2014. 

This was murder, it was police brutality, it was racism in action--it was hate in action. Michael Brown is not the first or the only one--every 28 hours a black person is killed by police, security guard or vigilante. At this time, people are protesting, organizing, petitioning, reporting, writing--they are doing all they can to fight against a system that is set up to hurt and oppress black people. I encourage you to discover the gifts and talents that God has blessed you with and use them to change the world in some way, to fight against racism and other forms of oppression, to fight against police brutality, to fight for and stand with Michael Brown and other black and brown people who are targeted by this system.

I believe that my gifts are writing, public speaking, performing spoken word and counseling. I intend to use these gifts to do what I can from where I am to create change. I stand with Michael Brown, with Ferguson, with black and brown people, with oppressed groups and communities and I cannot perform the radical act of walking in love if I do otherwise. With that being said, I leave you with this poem, the first meaningful poem that I have written in awhile:

To be black and conscious
in America
is to be in a constant state of rage,
James Baldwin was
and still is
right
--I'm becoming the angry black woman,
but please believe that my anger is justified and righteous
--we got black women being told that
their natural kinks and curls are not welcome in this world,
that they need to be tame and laid,
we got black people trying to erase away
the melanin in their skin 'cause the lighter than righter,
we reject ourselves and who we are without even knowing it
because we have been born into a world
that tells us we are wrong
that we do not belong
and they show us 'cause actions speak louder than words
--we got black men,
black boys,
black women,
and black girls
being killed for simply existing,
and if we persist to exist,
we will live long enough
to know that they love everything about us:
our language
our accents
our fashion
our music
our food
our culture
but hate us
we will live long enough
to realize
that the system works against
not for
us
and some of us are still drinking the sugarless Kool-Aid
and believe that none of this is about race
that racism isn't real anymore
and all of us who see it just have masochistic imaginations
along with a victim complex, 'cause black people just love
pulling the race card
when instead, we should be pulling our pants up
and stop pulling our skirts down while realizing that
"it's not all white people"
so be nice
and crack a few "nigga jokes" with your white friends
cause they're just jokes
and ignoring racism, not talking about racism
joking about racism
is how racism will end, after all
we're all just people
we all bleed red
and a white person's hurt feelings
is equal to black blood being shed on the streets
so don't you see, we're already in post-racial America!

Black men, dress up in your suit and tie
Black ladies, don't wear nothing above the thigh
and don't you dare twerk
don't you dare curse
don't you dare smoke
don't you dare be anything other than the perfect example
of black respectability
'cause if you don't, you deserve the removal
of your humanity and your death is on you.

Just be nice to the whites.
Be like them and be right.

But the joke is on us,
Black and brown people--the joke is on us,
'cause no matter what we do
we'll always be black in their sight
we'll always be what's not right in the picture
and if we're not slaves--in action and in mind,
we deserve to die.

My hope and prayer is that more and more people start tapping into their purpose, their talents, and gifts and use them to not only cause change, but to cause positive growth in themselves, others, and ultimately, the world.

Love,
Jenai H.

The Power Trip: Help VS Control

As you already know, I want to become a Mental Health Counselor and basically, I want to devote a good amount of my life to helping people.

I've spent a lot of my life receiving help and guidance and being the person who is in need. It taught me some really important lessons. One of the most important lessons I learned is the difference between truly helping someone and attempting to control them.

I have encountered people who offered "help" that was never asked for or that I didn't feel was needed. People who, instead of helping me to figure out how to find me and what I want, as well as need--instead of helping me to be the best Jenai that I can be, they were attempting to mold me into being who they think and want me to be and were quick to tell me who I was, what I wanted and what I needed. In those situations, I didn't feel supported or empowered but pressured, confused, overwhelmed and stifled.

This happens a lot more than it should and sometimes we all may end up engaging in this type of power-tripping behavior, even if our hearts are in the right place and we have the best intentions, we still may end up crossing that fine line between help and control.

Here are 3 signs that you may be power-tripping:

1. You are constantly offering help or advice that was never asked for: If your friend, family member, etc. is doing something that isn't hurting them or others, yet you just don't like it or feel that they should be doing something different. . .then it may be best to just keep your opinion to yourself. While we want all of our loved ones to be the best and have the best, we need to allow our loved ones to decide what the best is for them and to respect that. Just because their best is not your best does not mean that they are suffering or need your help/advice.

Even if they may appear to need help, they may not be ready to make moves or feel comfortable enough to want to receive help from you, and if they are expressing that they're having trouble with something, they may just want to vent, they may just want your support in the form of a listening ear and comfort.

So, when you offer unasked for help/advice constantly, not only does doing this assume that they have a problem, but that they have a problem that they can't handle/solve on their own or need you to fix. Don't assume--ask questions and/or pray to God for guidance to figure out 1) Does this person need help?, 2) Does this person need my help? and 3) If they do need my help, what kind of help, when should I give this help and where is the appropriate place to provide this help? I also would suggest asking that God present you with an opportunity to help this person as well. This is what I tend to do--I tend to ask God to guide me when it comes to certain people and to let me know if I should do anything and if so, to guide my speech, thoughts and actions and to provide me with an opportunity to do so.

2. You THINK you know best: You do a lot of telling--you tell them what their problem(s) are, how to solve them, who they are, who they should be, what path they should take, etc. You have no idea if what you think is correct because even if you have asked them, since you believe you know what's best and that you know better than they do, you ignore them. You continue to attempt to make them into the person you feel they should be--to be "right" like you. What we must realize is that we need to ask questions, listen to the answers and then, work with the person to help them figure out how to find the answers to their problems--help them to develop healthy problem-solving skills so that they can do this on their own and be empowered. Be a friend, a guide, a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator--this takes a person's power away, makes them dependent on you and can cause them to not trust themselves.

3. You hold them to unfair/unreasonable standards: You give the person a deadline for how long their process should be and try to determine when they should reach certain stages in their life (i.e. You say stuff like: "You should have been over that." or "You're still dealing with this?")--you believe they should only take as long as you or other people have and that they should do it the same way because that way is the only "right" way. This ignores the fact that each person is different and that while we may share similar experiences, each experience is experienced differently by each person and has its own unique aspects. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to handle and process life, and what is healthy and good for one person may not be for someone else and that's okay. It is important to acknowledge and respect this--when we don't, we may end up rushing someone through their process and/or pressuring them to deal with it in a way that isn't comfortable or healthy for them--and that will only stunt their growth.

Helping someone isn't about you--it's about the other person, about serving them and allowing God to work through you to help that person get closer to being who God wants them to be and/or who they want to be--not who you or society wants them to be. If you're going to truly and genuinely help someone, be prepared, ready and willing to focus on someone other than yourself and to cast aside what you want for them or think they need--be open to hearing them out and working with them. Be a friend, be a guide, be a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator.

Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

I've Got 99 Problems..and I'm the Main One!

Let me be real with you: I really believe that we live in a world that is severely lacking in love and that upholds a lot of twisted, unhealthy, harmful and downright oppressive ideas, beliefs and values.

As a world, we're sadly racist, sexist, classist, ableist, heterosexist...I could go on and on, but I truly feel in my heart that all of these oppressive systems are completely devoid of love, and since God is love, I have come to the conclusion that they are not of God. I truly feel that they are sin at its worst--not only do they harm the individual and make it extremely difficult to see and love God's children the way He does, but they harm the world. They harm everyone--they separate us from God, from each other and from the people God created us to be.

After coming to this conclusion, I decided that it's of utmost importance for me to live a life and be a person who challenges, rebels and rejects these oppressive systems. And I feel that the best way to do this is by walking in love (I'll explain in detail how I go about doing that in another post).

But even with all of this in mind and heart, I still catch myself thinking, being and doing problematic things. Sometimes, I think back and realize that something I said in a conversation was sexist or that a thought I had was classist and I have to call myself out, acknowledge my privilege and figure out ways that I can educate myself so that I can move through the world without thinking, being and doing those problematic things again. I think about what I can do to work towards change and walk in love instead of hate.

Sometimes, my privilege blinds me (and that's no excuse because I know better) and causes me to say, think or do ignorant things without considering the reality we all live in and how my privilege in certain areas affects my views and experiences.

I spend a good amount of time calling myself out and acknowledging that I have a long way to go.

If I'm being real with you, I have to say that sometimes--I'm problematic. I do, think and feel problematic things and the reality is that we all are problematic to some extent. It's just a reminder that we all have been raised in a toxic, problematic society.

And in this problematic world full of -isms, we will always be a work-in-progress, and that's okay--just don't give in to this world. Keep walking in love. Keep challenging, rebelling and rejecting. Call yourself out and open yourself to being called out. Listen to what others have to say. Educate yourself and allow yourself to be educated. This is a process.

I intend to continue to do these things and I know that I am a never-ending work-in-progress, but that's better than never progressing at all.

True Life: I'm Simple...and Easy

I've spent the majority of my life believing that the perfect woman was mysterious, complex, hard to understand, difficult to be close to, distant...she left something to the imagination. In essence, she was complicated. 

I like to think of her as The Hard to Get Woman, and for most of my 22 years, I have tried to be her, because even though people seemed to struggle to know and be close to her, the few who managed to do so loved her and those on the outside desired, admired, valued and respected her. And I wanted to be loved, valued, desired, respected and admired. 

The Hard to Get Woman can be seen in movies, TV shows, and you often hear men go on and on about wanting to chase a woman and have her not be "easy." As a TV Junkie, a person who used to be an avid reader of romance novels, and a woman who used to really want to be every boy's dream girl, it wasn't hard for me to develop the idea that The Hard to Get Woman was the perfect woman. 

But what I've finally come to realize and accept is that I'm not The Hard to Get Woman, that I'll never be her and that I don't have to be her in order to be loved, valued, respected, desired and admired.

The truth is, I'm simple. I'm easy. I'm a simple, easy woman.

I am an open book with a few hidden pages that only a special few are privy too. To be in my life isn't a hard or strenuous thing to do--if I want you to be there, of course. And if I want you to be in my life, you'll know it. If I like you, you'll know it. There are no guessing games with me. There's no wondering. I tend to lay my cards out on the table. I like to share who I am and my heart with those around me. I feel like it's part of my purpose to be open and to share the love inside of me--the unconditional, overflowing, endless love.

Me being simple and easy to understand makes that even more possible--people struggling to know and get close to me hinders my goal to love freely while providing healthy and good company and providing comfort. I can't achieve that by being an enigma.

I am simple--like God's love, I am easy to understand and open to all.

This is not to say that everyone is allowed into my private space and that any man can be MY man, but what it does mean is that if I want him like he wants me, he won't have to jump through hoops. There won't be any chasing necessary because I will be meeting him halfway. He won't have to spend forever trying to figure me out because I will be more than willing to let him in and help him to understand. Our love will be simple and easy--boring maybe, but beautiful and stable and comforting. It means that I will welcome people into my life with open arms, that they will always know where they stand with me, that there will be comfort and stability and a mutual understanding. 

People like to say that the only things and people of value are those people and things that are hard to get, that must be earned through works and struggle.

But the most valuable thing (in my humble opinion) is God's unchanging, unwavering, and unconditional love, a love that is open to all, simple, easy to understand, a love that isn't earned by works or struggle, that isn't hard to get but completely and utterly free--I like to think that I am like that. 

I am like God's love.

Living Saved...and Single

So, I'm single. And I'm choosing to be single because:

1. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining my relationship with God.
2. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself, a relationship in which I'm able to accept, respect, trust, care and love myself, as well as show myself the same grace and compassion that God does.
3. I want to focus on improving myself professionally and getting my combined Master of Science and Specialist in Education degree in Mental Health Counseling. (By the way, I forgot to mention this in my video!)

And I wondered to myself: "How long do I intend to work on these things? How long do I intend to be voluntarily single?" Because, honestly, reasons #1 and #2 will be things that I intend to work on for the rest of my life--I can always do better and do more for God and myself. I then decided that I would open myself up to romantic relationships when I'm at a place where I'm secure in my relationship with God and myself, as well as settled in my career and have my own place.

I hope to be in that place in 3 years, lol.

However, it's about God's Will, not mine. So if God decides that I need to be single in less or more time than I planned--that's fine, and if it's simply not in His Will for me to be half of a couple--that's fine too. I'm going with His flow, not the other way around.

I'm starting to realize that focusing on just God, myself and remaining single isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Suddenly, I have men, like, paying attention to me (lol!) and wanting to be more than friends...and sometimes it's hard to say no. Sometimes I entertain things I shouldn't and I hate having a crush on someone because I know that it's not the time to do anything about it. 

Sometimes I don't like being single.

Sometimes I want to spend all night flirting and talking with a man I really like and who likes me back, I want to cuddle and be held by the arms of a man who really, really likes me or even loves me, I want to go on dates where we laugh too loud over reasonably-priced delicious food and then end the date with a kiss so deep that it pulls out all of the toxic "love" I've received over the years.

At times, I beat myself up about not always being happy-go-lucky about being single or wanting someone other than God and myself, but I realize that it's okay--the ups AND downs, and as a human, I was created to desire relationships with others, and that includes romantic relationships. With that in mind, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to be understanding and show compassion to myself, while still holding myself accountable and responsible for focusing and working on doing God's work and improving myself.

To all my beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made Single Ladies: Use this time to focus on the things you have been avoiding while dating and going from relationship-to-relationship, use it to heal yourself, to forgive, to improve yourself in all ways, to enjoy your loved ones. Know that you won't always be happy about being single either--at times, you may really dislike it, you may miss and long for the things that come with being in a relationship, and that's okay. Feel it through and pray continually for peace and trust in God's Will for your life.

Falling in love and starting a life with someone is an adventure, but so is falling in love with God and yourself. In fact, I would say that it's the most important adventure you will ever have.

Love,

Jenai H.

Yes, You Can!

As I look over the last few months--and even the last 2 years, I realize that I've been slowly, but surely moving out of my uncomfortable comfort zone.

You're probably thinking: "What is an uncomfortable comfort zone?"  And even if you're not, I'm still gonna tell you anyway, lol.

The "Uncomfortable Comfort Zone" is a termed coined by Natalie Lue, who runs a successful blog called Baggage Reclaim--which Natalie describes as a "tongue-in-cheek guide created to discuss the complexities of being a woman, the choices they make, and the dodgy men that add to their load." 

Now, back to uncomfortable comfort zone: The uncomfortable comfort zone is a zone that you're very familiar with--it's something you know, something you're used to--but this zone causes you a lot of pain, anxiety, and stress. Even though you're somewhat comfortable because you're familiar with it, you're also really uncomfortable because your comfort zone is actually very unhealthy and causes a lot of discomfort. 

I've been in an uncomfortable comfort zone for a long time--my uncomfortable comfort zone is me being in toxic relationships/friendships, hiding who I am in an attempt to please others, not being honest with others about my thoughts, feelings, needs and wants so that I can "keep the peace" and other unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns. But I think I'm finally taking steps (baby steps, but steps nonetheless) out of it and it's ridiculously scary because the things I feared are happening or may happen, but I'm learning that it's not the end of the world--in fact, it may be the beautiful beginning to a new world in which I am happy, healthy and loving myself the way God does.

So, I challenge you: Take that first step--tell that man/woman who doesn't treat you the way God does to get the steppin', block those toxic people from your social media and from calling you--don't allow them access to you and your life anymore, wear that outfit that people said you "shouldn't" wear, dance in public for the first time--just do the things that you know are good for you but you're too scared to do because it's not what you're used to. 

If you're like me and afraid that the world will end if you step out of your uncomfortable comfort zone, I'll leave you with a poem from poet Nayyirah Waheed:

"I don't pay attention to the

world ending.

It has ended for me

many times

and began again in the morning."

Love,

Jenai H.

5 Signs You Should Invest in Self-Love

I used to hate myself.

Now, I would say that I somewhat dislike myself, but I like myself a whole lot more than I used to. This is an improvement, but it's definitely not my end goal. My end goal is to be totally, completely and unapologetically in love with myself. I've wasted enough years hating, disliking, and just not loving my beautiful self--I want the rest of my life to be spent loving God and loving myself.

I've decided that this time in my life is the best time to really invest a lot into loving myself. Of course, we should always be investing in self-love, but sometimes, we may need to do a little more than usual. Some people, unfortunately, may have never invested in self-love and need to start doing so. For me, I haven't invested in self-love for YEARS, so I definitely have a lot of investing to start doing now. Seeing as how I don't have a husband, kids, or a full-time career yet, what better time to completely focus on building myself up with God's and my own love?

I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there who is in need of her own love. And even if you do have a lot going on and a lot of people to tend to, you can and should still make time to l.o.v.e on y.o.u. Why? Because you are important and you're worth it--nobody deserves your love more than God and yourself! Plus, it's hard to be all you can be when you're at odds with yourself. It's also hard to have a life of true joy and peace when you have little to no love for yourself.

So, how do you know if you need to start investing or invest more in self-love? 

Here are 5 signs to look out for:

1. You Don't Love Yourself (and You Barely Like Yourself): You can't stand yourself--you pick yourself apart relentlessly, insult yourself and neglect your own needs. You don't enjoy your own company and really dislike the idea of truly spending some quality time with yourself. You just don't care about yourself enough to put forth the effort to make sure that you're healthy and happy. Worst of all, you don't think you're worth the effort. 

2. You Don't See Yourself The Way God Sees You: As I said in my Who Are You? video, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you were made to do a good work, to be holy. You're a daughter of God who has been redeemed, forgiven and made anew in Christ. That's how God sees you. But you don't see that--you see a failure, a screw-up, the same woman who couldn't break free from her chains, you see a condemned woman who is broken beyond repair and who is just not good enough. You disagree with God about who you are and your worth.

3. You Don't Trust Yourself (or God): You don't trust what God says about who you are and who He created you to be. You also don't trust yourself. You ignore your instincts, along with the Holy Spirit's warnings and often go against your better judgement. You second-guess and constantly question the decisions you make. You don't believe that you're capable of making a sound decision. You distrust yourself so much that you start to allow others to make decisions for you--decisions about who you are, what you're worth, what you want, what you need, etc.

4. You're Unreasonably Hard on Yourself: While you're able to have empathy, compassion and forgiveness for others, you don't have the same for yourself. Your beat yourself up about your mistakes over and over again. You become angry with yourself for not being perfect. You see yourself as weak for not being able to hold it together all of the time. Everyone else around you can be human--they can be vulnerable and make mistakes from time-to-time, but you? No, you have to be Superwoman or you're not good enough. 

5. You Have a Lot of Toxic People in Your Inner Circle (and/or Have a History of Toxic Relationships):

"We accept the love we think we deserve."--Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

And based on the people who you tend to choose to be your close friends and romantic partners, you seem to believe that you don't deserve love at all. The people closest to you seem to hurt you the most--they belittle you, judge you, criticize you, may be verbally/emotionally abusive to you, manipulate you and the list goes on and on. Whatever the case is, you seem to find yourself tied to people who do everything BUT show you love, care, trust and respect. If you really pay attention, you will realize that, in some ways, you treat yourself the same way these people treat you. And you stay around these people because you don't believe you deserve any better.

If you see yourself in one or more of these signs, I want you to know that God loves you unconditionally and there is nothing you can do to change that. With that being said, here's what to do if you realize that you need to l.o.v.e on y.o.u: 

1. Learn what God has to say about you and your worth: Affirmations: Who I Am in Christ is a good place to start. As always, though, read the Word of God, The Bible. It will tell you everything you need to know about who you are in Christ.

2. Ask for Help: You don't have to do this alone. Really, you don't! Pray and ask God, your loving Heavenly Father, to help you to see, love and treat yourself the way He does. Ask Him to lead you to and to bring people in your life who can help and support you on your journey to loving yourself. You may already have a good, supporting family or friend(s) who can support you. Or maybe you have a church family or an organization. Either way, reach out to them and ask for help! If they are truly people who love you, they will be more than willing to help you to build yourself up with love. They already love you, and will want you to love yourself too. Also know that there's nothing wrong with getting help from a counselor or therapist either. Like doctors, counselors and therapists are there to help you become and stay healthy. However, unlike doctors, counselors and therapists focus on your mental and emotional health, which is just as important and often influences your physical health.

3. Do things that make you happy, that are healthy and that make you feel good about yourself: What do you like to do? What can you do to benefit you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually? When do you feel good about yourself? What can you do to feel good about yourself? Ask yourself these questions and answer them in action. Doing this will enable you to live life with you in mind.

4. Practice Loving Yourself: Write down positive affirmations, engage in positive self-talk (and fight back against that inner critic!), dress your best (even when you don't feel like it!)--engage in the actions that people who love themselves do.

5. Remove Negativity: Get rid of people who treat you less than God's best and seem to disagree with who God says you are. Stop doing things that are unhealthy and that make you feel bad about yourself.

Please know that it's never too late to start loving yourself. Now, loving yourself is a process--it doesn't happen overnight, especially if you have negative thoughts, negative self-talk and self-destructive tendencies to battle. With that in mind, try to be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Attempt to show yourself some compassion and forgiveness as you go through this process. As a woman who is going through this process, loving yourself is something that is truly easier said than done. God understands that as well, and if you let Him, He will help you every step of the way. 

Love,

Jenai H.

The Furthest Thing

Sometimes, which is becoming most of the time, I feel like a hot mess.

• I still don't love myself the way God loves does.
• I still can't seem to stick to a regular sleeping and working schedule. I buy these planners and calendars, create detailed schedules and never follow them.
• I struggle with getting to work on time and have been late on days when I was being observed.
• I'm still not being honest with everyone about how I feel and what I want.
• I still can't let that guy go..even though he has been tap-dancing all over my heart and self-esteem.
• I am starting to curse like a sailor.
• I still refuse to let go of the past.
• I'm not putting in as much effort as I should in my relationship with God. I'm giving Him pieces of me instead of all of me. I'm not making as much time for Him as He truly deserves.

I've made a lot of progress in the last few months, but while I now know who I am and who God created me to be, I haven't fully internalized and embraced it yet. In fact, for the last 2 weeks, I have been really putting myself down--I put myself down in conversations with others and instead of engaging in positive self-talk with myself, I have been reminding myself of the negative things that toxic people have spoke over my life and am holding onto it.

Because of my battle with self-love and low self-esteem, I often find myself becoming and being jealous of other women. I compare myself to them and always find myself coming up short. These feelings of insecurity and jealousy lead me to wanting to be someone other than the woman God created me to be. I forget that the only person I should be comparing myself to is the old Jenai. I start to see other women as competition or my enemy--which is even worse. I want to see all women as my sisters, as my friends, but my jealousy and insecurity make it hard to do that sometimes.

With all of this in mind, I wonder if I should have created Not of This World--should I be posting on Facebook, making YouTube videos and creating blog posts in an attempt to help, empower, support and guide other women when I'm obviously still battling my own inner demons?

And when I see other Christian women who have created safe communities and ministries, they seem to be so put together--they have successful careers, a healthy & happy marriage/relationship or they seem to be completely at peace with being single, they have mastered living healthily, they're empowered & confident & happy, they're intelligent, they have a close & stable relationship with God and they're freakin' beautiful--inside and out. It's like they're everything I'm...not. Or everything I'm trying to be, but for whatever reason, can't. I began to feel that maybe I shouldn't be trying to help anyone--I'm too much of a mess to do so.

But I'm starting to realize that no one is perfect--not even the people who seem like they are--and that I don't have to be perfect to do God's work and be a blessing to others. In fact, my flaws have helped to make me a beautiful woman who can empathize, support, love and accept others. They have blessed me with perspective and understanding.

When I think about being a mess and still being able to do good, I think of a scene on My Mad Fat Diary, a new show that is shown in the UK. Rae, the main character is a 16-year-old who is struggling with mental illness, among other issues. She has a therapist, named Kester. Kester is far from perfect--he's in the midst of a divorce and has been kicked out of his house. Due to his own personal issues--his divorce and the death of one of his clients, he took a leave of absence  In the scene I'm referring to, Rae has found Kester in his home, lying next to a toilet in what appears to be the aftermath of a very rough night.

They have a heart-to-heart, and in that heart-to-heart, Rae tells him, "I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

And that pulled my heartstrings.

"I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

I may be imperfect, I may even be a mess sometimes. And maybe my imperfections, my struggles, make me easier to relate to. Maybe it makes it easier for other women to see themselves in me. And when I succeed, when I overcome--and I will, they will be able to see that someone like them can make it out of their mess.

God didn't call me to be perfect. He called me to be Jenai--flaws and all. He also knows that I'm more than my flaws. He sees all of me, knows all of me and loves me unconditionally. I will continue to work on loving and seeing myself the way God does. I hope you continue to do the same.

Love,
Jenai H.