The Power Trip: Help VS Control

As you already know, I want to become a Mental Health Counselor and basically, I want to devote a good amount of my life to helping people.

I've spent a lot of my life receiving help and guidance and being the person who is in need. It taught me some really important lessons. One of the most important lessons I learned is the difference between truly helping someone and attempting to control them.

I have encountered people who offered "help" that was never asked for or that I didn't feel was needed. People who, instead of helping me to figure out how to find me and what I want, as well as need--instead of helping me to be the best Jenai that I can be, they were attempting to mold me into being who they think and want me to be and were quick to tell me who I was, what I wanted and what I needed. In those situations, I didn't feel supported or empowered but pressured, confused, overwhelmed and stifled.

This happens a lot more than it should and sometimes we all may end up engaging in this type of power-tripping behavior, even if our hearts are in the right place and we have the best intentions, we still may end up crossing that fine line between help and control.

Here are 3 signs that you may be power-tripping:

1. You are constantly offering help or advice that was never asked for: If your friend, family member, etc. is doing something that isn't hurting them or others, yet you just don't like it or feel that they should be doing something different. . .then it may be best to just keep your opinion to yourself. While we want all of our loved ones to be the best and have the best, we need to allow our loved ones to decide what the best is for them and to respect that. Just because their best is not your best does not mean that they are suffering or need your help/advice.

Even if they may appear to need help, they may not be ready to make moves or feel comfortable enough to want to receive help from you, and if they are expressing that they're having trouble with something, they may just want to vent, they may just want your support in the form of a listening ear and comfort.

So, when you offer unasked for help/advice constantly, not only does doing this assume that they have a problem, but that they have a problem that they can't handle/solve on their own or need you to fix. Don't assume--ask questions and/or pray to God for guidance to figure out 1) Does this person need help?, 2) Does this person need my help? and 3) If they do need my help, what kind of help, when should I give this help and where is the appropriate place to provide this help? I also would suggest asking that God present you with an opportunity to help this person as well. This is what I tend to do--I tend to ask God to guide me when it comes to certain people and to let me know if I should do anything and if so, to guide my speech, thoughts and actions and to provide me with an opportunity to do so.

2. You THINK you know best: You do a lot of telling--you tell them what their problem(s) are, how to solve them, who they are, who they should be, what path they should take, etc. You have no idea if what you think is correct because even if you have asked them, since you believe you know what's best and that you know better than they do, you ignore them. You continue to attempt to make them into the person you feel they should be--to be "right" like you. What we must realize is that we need to ask questions, listen to the answers and then, work with the person to help them figure out how to find the answers to their problems--help them to develop healthy problem-solving skills so that they can do this on their own and be empowered. Be a friend, a guide, a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator--this takes a person's power away, makes them dependent on you and can cause them to not trust themselves.

3. You hold them to unfair/unreasonable standards: You give the person a deadline for how long their process should be and try to determine when they should reach certain stages in their life (i.e. You say stuff like: "You should have been over that." or "You're still dealing with this?")--you believe they should only take as long as you or other people have and that they should do it the same way because that way is the only "right" way. This ignores the fact that each person is different and that while we may share similar experiences, each experience is experienced differently by each person and has its own unique aspects. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to handle and process life, and what is healthy and good for one person may not be for someone else and that's okay. It is important to acknowledge and respect this--when we don't, we may end up rushing someone through their process and/or pressuring them to deal with it in a way that isn't comfortable or healthy for them--and that will only stunt their growth.

Helping someone isn't about you--it's about the other person, about serving them and allowing God to work through you to help that person get closer to being who God wants them to be and/or who they want to be--not who you or society wants them to be. If you're going to truly and genuinely help someone, be prepared, ready and willing to focus on someone other than yourself and to cast aside what you want for them or think they need--be open to hearing them out and working with them. Be a friend, be a guide, be a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator.