The Power Trip: Help VS Control

As you already know, I want to become a Mental Health Counselor and basically, I want to devote a good amount of my life to helping people.

I've spent a lot of my life receiving help and guidance and being the person who is in need. It taught me some really important lessons. One of the most important lessons I learned is the difference between truly helping someone and attempting to control them.

I have encountered people who offered "help" that was never asked for or that I didn't feel was needed. People who, instead of helping me to figure out how to find me and what I want, as well as need--instead of helping me to be the best Jenai that I can be, they were attempting to mold me into being who they think and want me to be and were quick to tell me who I was, what I wanted and what I needed. In those situations, I didn't feel supported or empowered but pressured, confused, overwhelmed and stifled.

This happens a lot more than it should and sometimes we all may end up engaging in this type of power-tripping behavior, even if our hearts are in the right place and we have the best intentions, we still may end up crossing that fine line between help and control.

Here are 3 signs that you may be power-tripping:

1. You are constantly offering help or advice that was never asked for: If your friend, family member, etc. is doing something that isn't hurting them or others, yet you just don't like it or feel that they should be doing something different. . .then it may be best to just keep your opinion to yourself. While we want all of our loved ones to be the best and have the best, we need to allow our loved ones to decide what the best is for them and to respect that. Just because their best is not your best does not mean that they are suffering or need your help/advice.

Even if they may appear to need help, they may not be ready to make moves or feel comfortable enough to want to receive help from you, and if they are expressing that they're having trouble with something, they may just want to vent, they may just want your support in the form of a listening ear and comfort.

So, when you offer unasked for help/advice constantly, not only does doing this assume that they have a problem, but that they have a problem that they can't handle/solve on their own or need you to fix. Don't assume--ask questions and/or pray to God for guidance to figure out 1) Does this person need help?, 2) Does this person need my help? and 3) If they do need my help, what kind of help, when should I give this help and where is the appropriate place to provide this help? I also would suggest asking that God present you with an opportunity to help this person as well. This is what I tend to do--I tend to ask God to guide me when it comes to certain people and to let me know if I should do anything and if so, to guide my speech, thoughts and actions and to provide me with an opportunity to do so.

2. You THINK you know best: You do a lot of telling--you tell them what their problem(s) are, how to solve them, who they are, who they should be, what path they should take, etc. You have no idea if what you think is correct because even if you have asked them, since you believe you know what's best and that you know better than they do, you ignore them. You continue to attempt to make them into the person you feel they should be--to be "right" like you. What we must realize is that we need to ask questions, listen to the answers and then, work with the person to help them figure out how to find the answers to their problems--help them to develop healthy problem-solving skills so that they can do this on their own and be empowered. Be a friend, a guide, a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator--this takes a person's power away, makes them dependent on you and can cause them to not trust themselves.

3. You hold them to unfair/unreasonable standards: You give the person a deadline for how long their process should be and try to determine when they should reach certain stages in their life (i.e. You say stuff like: "You should have been over that." or "You're still dealing with this?")--you believe they should only take as long as you or other people have and that they should do it the same way because that way is the only "right" way. This ignores the fact that each person is different and that while we may share similar experiences, each experience is experienced differently by each person and has its own unique aspects. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to handle and process life, and what is healthy and good for one person may not be for someone else and that's okay. It is important to acknowledge and respect this--when we don't, we may end up rushing someone through their process and/or pressuring them to deal with it in a way that isn't comfortable or healthy for them--and that will only stunt their growth.

Helping someone isn't about you--it's about the other person, about serving them and allowing God to work through you to help that person get closer to being who God wants them to be and/or who they want to be--not who you or society wants them to be. If you're going to truly and genuinely help someone, be prepared, ready and willing to focus on someone other than yourself and to cast aside what you want for them or think they need--be open to hearing them out and working with them. Be a friend, be a guide, be a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator.

Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

True Life: I'm Simple...and Easy

I've spent the majority of my life believing that the perfect woman was mysterious, complex, hard to understand, difficult to be close to, distant...she left something to the imagination. In essence, she was complicated. 

I like to think of her as The Hard to Get Woman, and for most of my 22 years, I have tried to be her, because even though people seemed to struggle to know and be close to her, the few who managed to do so loved her and those on the outside desired, admired, valued and respected her. And I wanted to be loved, valued, desired, respected and admired. 

The Hard to Get Woman can be seen in movies, TV shows, and you often hear men go on and on about wanting to chase a woman and have her not be "easy." As a TV Junkie, a person who used to be an avid reader of romance novels, and a woman who used to really want to be every boy's dream girl, it wasn't hard for me to develop the idea that The Hard to Get Woman was the perfect woman. 

But what I've finally come to realize and accept is that I'm not The Hard to Get Woman, that I'll never be her and that I don't have to be her in order to be loved, valued, respected, desired and admired.

The truth is, I'm simple. I'm easy. I'm a simple, easy woman.

I am an open book with a few hidden pages that only a special few are privy too. To be in my life isn't a hard or strenuous thing to do--if I want you to be there, of course. And if I want you to be in my life, you'll know it. If I like you, you'll know it. There are no guessing games with me. There's no wondering. I tend to lay my cards out on the table. I like to share who I am and my heart with those around me. I feel like it's part of my purpose to be open and to share the love inside of me--the unconditional, overflowing, endless love.

Me being simple and easy to understand makes that even more possible--people struggling to know and get close to me hinders my goal to love freely while providing healthy and good company and providing comfort. I can't achieve that by being an enigma.

I am simple--like God's love, I am easy to understand and open to all.

This is not to say that everyone is allowed into my private space and that any man can be MY man, but what it does mean is that if I want him like he wants me, he won't have to jump through hoops. There won't be any chasing necessary because I will be meeting him halfway. He won't have to spend forever trying to figure me out because I will be more than willing to let him in and help him to understand. Our love will be simple and easy--boring maybe, but beautiful and stable and comforting. It means that I will welcome people into my life with open arms, that they will always know where they stand with me, that there will be comfort and stability and a mutual understanding. 

People like to say that the only things and people of value are those people and things that are hard to get, that must be earned through works and struggle.

But the most valuable thing (in my humble opinion) is God's unchanging, unwavering, and unconditional love, a love that is open to all, simple, easy to understand, a love that isn't earned by works or struggle, that isn't hard to get but completely and utterly free--I like to think that I am like that. 

I am like God's love.

Living Saved...and Single

So, I'm single. And I'm choosing to be single because:

1. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining my relationship with God.
2. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself, a relationship in which I'm able to accept, respect, trust, care and love myself, as well as show myself the same grace and compassion that God does.
3. I want to focus on improving myself professionally and getting my combined Master of Science and Specialist in Education degree in Mental Health Counseling. (By the way, I forgot to mention this in my video!)

And I wondered to myself: "How long do I intend to work on these things? How long do I intend to be voluntarily single?" Because, honestly, reasons #1 and #2 will be things that I intend to work on for the rest of my life--I can always do better and do more for God and myself. I then decided that I would open myself up to romantic relationships when I'm at a place where I'm secure in my relationship with God and myself, as well as settled in my career and have my own place.

I hope to be in that place in 3 years, lol.

However, it's about God's Will, not mine. So if God decides that I need to be single in less or more time than I planned--that's fine, and if it's simply not in His Will for me to be half of a couple--that's fine too. I'm going with His flow, not the other way around.

I'm starting to realize that focusing on just God, myself and remaining single isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Suddenly, I have men, like, paying attention to me (lol!) and wanting to be more than friends...and sometimes it's hard to say no. Sometimes I entertain things I shouldn't and I hate having a crush on someone because I know that it's not the time to do anything about it. 

Sometimes I don't like being single.

Sometimes I want to spend all night flirting and talking with a man I really like and who likes me back, I want to cuddle and be held by the arms of a man who really, really likes me or even loves me, I want to go on dates where we laugh too loud over reasonably-priced delicious food and then end the date with a kiss so deep that it pulls out all of the toxic "love" I've received over the years.

At times, I beat myself up about not always being happy-go-lucky about being single or wanting someone other than God and myself, but I realize that it's okay--the ups AND downs, and as a human, I was created to desire relationships with others, and that includes romantic relationships. With that in mind, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to be understanding and show compassion to myself, while still holding myself accountable and responsible for focusing and working on doing God's work and improving myself.

To all my beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made Single Ladies: Use this time to focus on the things you have been avoiding while dating and going from relationship-to-relationship, use it to heal yourself, to forgive, to improve yourself in all ways, to enjoy your loved ones. Know that you won't always be happy about being single either--at times, you may really dislike it, you may miss and long for the things that come with being in a relationship, and that's okay. Feel it through and pray continually for peace and trust in God's Will for your life.

Falling in love and starting a life with someone is an adventure, but so is falling in love with God and yourself. In fact, I would say that it's the most important adventure you will ever have.

Love,

Jenai H.