Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

5 Signs You Should Invest in Self-Love

I used to hate myself.

Now, I would say that I somewhat dislike myself, but I like myself a whole lot more than I used to. This is an improvement, but it's definitely not my end goal. My end goal is to be totally, completely and unapologetically in love with myself. I've wasted enough years hating, disliking, and just not loving my beautiful self--I want the rest of my life to be spent loving God and loving myself.

I've decided that this time in my life is the best time to really invest a lot into loving myself. Of course, we should always be investing in self-love, but sometimes, we may need to do a little more than usual. Some people, unfortunately, may have never invested in self-love and need to start doing so. For me, I haven't invested in self-love for YEARS, so I definitely have a lot of investing to start doing now. Seeing as how I don't have a husband, kids, or a full-time career yet, what better time to completely focus on building myself up with God's and my own love?

I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there who is in need of her own love. And even if you do have a lot going on and a lot of people to tend to, you can and should still make time to l.o.v.e on y.o.u. Why? Because you are important and you're worth it--nobody deserves your love more than God and yourself! Plus, it's hard to be all you can be when you're at odds with yourself. It's also hard to have a life of true joy and peace when you have little to no love for yourself.

So, how do you know if you need to start investing or invest more in self-love? 

Here are 5 signs to look out for:

1. You Don't Love Yourself (and You Barely Like Yourself): You can't stand yourself--you pick yourself apart relentlessly, insult yourself and neglect your own needs. You don't enjoy your own company and really dislike the idea of truly spending some quality time with yourself. You just don't care about yourself enough to put forth the effort to make sure that you're healthy and happy. Worst of all, you don't think you're worth the effort. 

2. You Don't See Yourself The Way God Sees You: As I said in my Who Are You? video, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you were made to do a good work, to be holy. You're a daughter of God who has been redeemed, forgiven and made anew in Christ. That's how God sees you. But you don't see that--you see a failure, a screw-up, the same woman who couldn't break free from her chains, you see a condemned woman who is broken beyond repair and who is just not good enough. You disagree with God about who you are and your worth.

3. You Don't Trust Yourself (or God): You don't trust what God says about who you are and who He created you to be. You also don't trust yourself. You ignore your instincts, along with the Holy Spirit's warnings and often go against your better judgement. You second-guess and constantly question the decisions you make. You don't believe that you're capable of making a sound decision. You distrust yourself so much that you start to allow others to make decisions for you--decisions about who you are, what you're worth, what you want, what you need, etc.

4. You're Unreasonably Hard on Yourself: While you're able to have empathy, compassion and forgiveness for others, you don't have the same for yourself. Your beat yourself up about your mistakes over and over again. You become angry with yourself for not being perfect. You see yourself as weak for not being able to hold it together all of the time. Everyone else around you can be human--they can be vulnerable and make mistakes from time-to-time, but you? No, you have to be Superwoman or you're not good enough. 

5. You Have a Lot of Toxic People in Your Inner Circle (and/or Have a History of Toxic Relationships):

"We accept the love we think we deserve."--Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

And based on the people who you tend to choose to be your close friends and romantic partners, you seem to believe that you don't deserve love at all. The people closest to you seem to hurt you the most--they belittle you, judge you, criticize you, may be verbally/emotionally abusive to you, manipulate you and the list goes on and on. Whatever the case is, you seem to find yourself tied to people who do everything BUT show you love, care, trust and respect. If you really pay attention, you will realize that, in some ways, you treat yourself the same way these people treat you. And you stay around these people because you don't believe you deserve any better.

If you see yourself in one or more of these signs, I want you to know that God loves you unconditionally and there is nothing you can do to change that. With that being said, here's what to do if you realize that you need to l.o.v.e on y.o.u: 

1. Learn what God has to say about you and your worth: Affirmations: Who I Am in Christ is a good place to start. As always, though, read the Word of God, The Bible. It will tell you everything you need to know about who you are in Christ.

2. Ask for Help: You don't have to do this alone. Really, you don't! Pray and ask God, your loving Heavenly Father, to help you to see, love and treat yourself the way He does. Ask Him to lead you to and to bring people in your life who can help and support you on your journey to loving yourself. You may already have a good, supporting family or friend(s) who can support you. Or maybe you have a church family or an organization. Either way, reach out to them and ask for help! If they are truly people who love you, they will be more than willing to help you to build yourself up with love. They already love you, and will want you to love yourself too. Also know that there's nothing wrong with getting help from a counselor or therapist either. Like doctors, counselors and therapists are there to help you become and stay healthy. However, unlike doctors, counselors and therapists focus on your mental and emotional health, which is just as important and often influences your physical health.

3. Do things that make you happy, that are healthy and that make you feel good about yourself: What do you like to do? What can you do to benefit you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually? When do you feel good about yourself? What can you do to feel good about yourself? Ask yourself these questions and answer them in action. Doing this will enable you to live life with you in mind.

4. Practice Loving Yourself: Write down positive affirmations, engage in positive self-talk (and fight back against that inner critic!), dress your best (even when you don't feel like it!)--engage in the actions that people who love themselves do.

5. Remove Negativity: Get rid of people who treat you less than God's best and seem to disagree with who God says you are. Stop doing things that are unhealthy and that make you feel bad about yourself.

Please know that it's never too late to start loving yourself. Now, loving yourself is a process--it doesn't happen overnight, especially if you have negative thoughts, negative self-talk and self-destructive tendencies to battle. With that in mind, try to be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Attempt to show yourself some compassion and forgiveness as you go through this process. As a woman who is going through this process, loving yourself is something that is truly easier said than done. God understands that as well, and if you let Him, He will help you every step of the way. 

Love,

Jenai H.