Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

The Furthest Thing

Sometimes, which is becoming most of the time, I feel like a hot mess.

• I still don't love myself the way God loves does.
• I still can't seem to stick to a regular sleeping and working schedule. I buy these planners and calendars, create detailed schedules and never follow them.
• I struggle with getting to work on time and have been late on days when I was being observed.
• I'm still not being honest with everyone about how I feel and what I want.
• I still can't let that guy go..even though he has been tap-dancing all over my heart and self-esteem.
• I am starting to curse like a sailor.
• I still refuse to let go of the past.
• I'm not putting in as much effort as I should in my relationship with God. I'm giving Him pieces of me instead of all of me. I'm not making as much time for Him as He truly deserves.

I've made a lot of progress in the last few months, but while I now know who I am and who God created me to be, I haven't fully internalized and embraced it yet. In fact, for the last 2 weeks, I have been really putting myself down--I put myself down in conversations with others and instead of engaging in positive self-talk with myself, I have been reminding myself of the negative things that toxic people have spoke over my life and am holding onto it.

Because of my battle with self-love and low self-esteem, I often find myself becoming and being jealous of other women. I compare myself to them and always find myself coming up short. These feelings of insecurity and jealousy lead me to wanting to be someone other than the woman God created me to be. I forget that the only person I should be comparing myself to is the old Jenai. I start to see other women as competition or my enemy--which is even worse. I want to see all women as my sisters, as my friends, but my jealousy and insecurity make it hard to do that sometimes.

With all of this in mind, I wonder if I should have created Not of This World--should I be posting on Facebook, making YouTube videos and creating blog posts in an attempt to help, empower, support and guide other women when I'm obviously still battling my own inner demons?

And when I see other Christian women who have created safe communities and ministries, they seem to be so put together--they have successful careers, a healthy & happy marriage/relationship or they seem to be completely at peace with being single, they have mastered living healthily, they're empowered & confident & happy, they're intelligent, they have a close & stable relationship with God and they're freakin' beautiful--inside and out. It's like they're everything I'm...not. Or everything I'm trying to be, but for whatever reason, can't. I began to feel that maybe I shouldn't be trying to help anyone--I'm too much of a mess to do so.

But I'm starting to realize that no one is perfect--not even the people who seem like they are--and that I don't have to be perfect to do God's work and be a blessing to others. In fact, my flaws have helped to make me a beautiful woman who can empathize, support, love and accept others. They have blessed me with perspective and understanding.

When I think about being a mess and still being able to do good, I think of a scene on My Mad Fat Diary, a new show that is shown in the UK. Rae, the main character is a 16-year-old who is struggling with mental illness, among other issues. She has a therapist, named Kester. Kester is far from perfect--he's in the midst of a divorce and has been kicked out of his house. Due to his own personal issues--his divorce and the death of one of his clients, he took a leave of absence  In the scene I'm referring to, Rae has found Kester in his home, lying next to a toilet in what appears to be the aftermath of a very rough night.

They have a heart-to-heart, and in that heart-to-heart, Rae tells him, "I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

And that pulled my heartstrings.

"I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

I may be imperfect, I may even be a mess sometimes. And maybe my imperfections, my struggles, make me easier to relate to. Maybe it makes it easier for other women to see themselves in me. And when I succeed, when I overcome--and I will, they will be able to see that someone like them can make it out of their mess.

God didn't call me to be perfect. He called me to be Jenai--flaws and all. He also knows that I'm more than my flaws. He sees all of me, knows all of me and loves me unconditionally. I will continue to work on loving and seeing myself the way God does. I hope you continue to do the same.

Love,
Jenai H.

Revive Me!

A lot of good things have been happening in my life.

I have not one, but two wonderful jobs. I've recently been accepted into graduate school for Mental Health Counseling. And I have finally started to work on a project that I'm passionate about (hinthint: Not of This World) and have an opportunity to try some new things before I start school in the Fall. Not only that, I have been blessed with a great support system.

But, for some reason, I am not really excited about life. I'll admit everything isn't perfect--I have been dealing with health issues that leave me feeling less than my best (I was only able to go to work one day this week because I had gotten so sick!), I am still struggling with anxiety from time to time, I'm working on removing toxic habits (thinking patterns, behaviors, beliefs etc.) and people from my life--it's a very difficult and scary process, and I'm fighting between pleasing others and being myself all of the time. It's hard and maybe, just maybe, these things are making it hard for me to be excited about my life.

My relationship with God feels distant. I don't really feel Him and I feel disconnected. I don't know what to do to reconnect myself back to Him. Even with prayer, devotionals, fellowship, I still don't feel Him, and as a result, I haven't been putting my all into my relationship with Him.

With all of this in mind, I have come to the decision to work on making some changes in my life. And since Lent started on Wednesday, I figured this is the perfect time to do so. I'm going to try to make healthier choices--sleeping at a regular schedule and making sure I get enough hours, choosing to eat healthy food more often, exercising regularly, asserting myself more and being honest with myself, as well as being honest with others, and really studying God's word. I also want to learn how to really listen to God and to study His word.

Now, I know, sometimes I just won't be feeling life. Sometimes I won't be on an emotional high--even with God. There will be dry seasons, difficult seasons, there will be seasons where the struggle is real--and. that's. okay. :) It's a part of life. We won't always feel as though we're on top of the world, and we may need to fall down and just lay there for awhile instead of instantly getting back up. But eventually, when it's time, we will get back up again and keep pushing forward.

I still need to rest some. I still need to let my mind, soul and body rest. But when the time comes--and it's coming soon!--I will get up and keep pushing forward.

Kindest Regards,

Jenai H.

God's Will

On Saturday, February 22, 2014, I was accepted into graduate school for Mental Health Counseling.

I was shocked that I had been accepted so quickly (the interview had been that Friday and we had been told to expect to hear back from them in 2 weeks--around March 7th), but I was happy and thankful that I no longer had to play the painful waiting game.

After allowing the fact that I will be going back to school in the Fall (yay!) to soak in, I realized that I had learned a very important lesson: What God has for you, is for you!

During the entire application process, I prayed and asked God that His will be done--so, if this particular program was meant for me and if God felt that it was the right time for me to enter into it, then and only then did I want it to happen. But if it wasn't in God's will, then ultimately, since God has my best interest at heart, I would trust Him and ask that He guide me to my next step. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that one of my heart's desires--to attend graduate school for Mental Health Counseling in the Fall of 2014--was in line with God's will for my life.

There have been times where what I wanted was not in line with God's will and/or wasn't God's best for me. Before I started working at my current job as a Reading Interventionist (a RI is a person who works with elementary school children on their vocabulary and reading comprehension skills), I really wanted to work with PATLive--a company that employs people to work as receptionists for various businesses around the world.

I thought PATLive was perfect for me: It had a flexible schedule and since they're open 24/7, I could work anytime of the day or week, they were a company that was used to working with current and future students, they paid $10 an hour and the job was pretty simple and laid-back. Unfortunately, after attending 2 interviews, PATLive decided to not hire me.

I reluctantly and disappointingly continued my job search and applied for the position as a Reading Interventionist. While I had no problem working with children, I wasn't comfortable with teaching them and did not want a job that would require me to do so. But, I had bills to pay and a strong desire for some sense of financial independence, so I applied for the position anyway. I was invited for an interview and immediately after the interview, I was offered the job on the spot.

Of course, I took the job and after working as a Reading Interventionist for about 4 months, I realize that this job is much, much better than the job I would have had at PATLive: I work according to the public school schedule, which means I automatically have weekends and holidays off and don't work past 3:00p.m. on weekdays, I make $14 an hour, have a VERY flexible schedule and wonderful coworkers. I also received a lot of training that helped me to feel comfortable and confident when it comes to teaching the children. The job isn't simple--it's challenging, but it's the perfect job for me and I feel that it has truly allowed me to grow professionally.

With that in mind, I always try to acknowledge that no matter what I may want or believe is right for me, God's will trumps mine and for good reason--God already knows the beginning and end of my story, He is my creator and knows me better than I know myself. Most importantly, He loves me unconditionally and has my best interest at heart. There's no one better to direct my path than my creator, the author and finisher of my story--God. And I thank Him so much for placing me in this Mental Health Counseling program.

Kindest Regards,
Jenai H.