Yes, You Can!

As I look over the last few months--and even the last 2 years, I realize that I've been slowly, but surely moving out of my uncomfortable comfort zone.

You're probably thinking: "What is an uncomfortable comfort zone?"  And even if you're not, I'm still gonna tell you anyway, lol.

The "Uncomfortable Comfort Zone" is a termed coined by Natalie Lue, who runs a successful blog called Baggage Reclaim--which Natalie describes as a "tongue-in-cheek guide created to discuss the complexities of being a woman, the choices they make, and the dodgy men that add to their load." 

Now, back to uncomfortable comfort zone: The uncomfortable comfort zone is a zone that you're very familiar with--it's something you know, something you're used to--but this zone causes you a lot of pain, anxiety, and stress. Even though you're somewhat comfortable because you're familiar with it, you're also really uncomfortable because your comfort zone is actually very unhealthy and causes a lot of discomfort. 

I've been in an uncomfortable comfort zone for a long time--my uncomfortable comfort zone is me being in toxic relationships/friendships, hiding who I am in an attempt to please others, not being honest with others about my thoughts, feelings, needs and wants so that I can "keep the peace" and other unhealthy behaviors and thinking patterns. But I think I'm finally taking steps (baby steps, but steps nonetheless) out of it and it's ridiculously scary because the things I feared are happening or may happen, but I'm learning that it's not the end of the world--in fact, it may be the beautiful beginning to a new world in which I am happy, healthy and loving myself the way God does.

So, I challenge you: Take that first step--tell that man/woman who doesn't treat you the way God does to get the steppin', block those toxic people from your social media and from calling you--don't allow them access to you and your life anymore, wear that outfit that people said you "shouldn't" wear, dance in public for the first time--just do the things that you know are good for you but you're too scared to do because it's not what you're used to. 

If you're like me and afraid that the world will end if you step out of your uncomfortable comfort zone, I'll leave you with a poem from poet Nayyirah Waheed:

"I don't pay attention to the

world ending.

It has ended for me

many times

and began again in the morning."

Love,

Jenai H.

5 Signs You Should Invest in Self-Love

I used to hate myself.

Now, I would say that I somewhat dislike myself, but I like myself a whole lot more than I used to. This is an improvement, but it's definitely not my end goal. My end goal is to be totally, completely and unapologetically in love with myself. I've wasted enough years hating, disliking, and just not loving my beautiful self--I want the rest of my life to be spent loving God and loving myself.

I've decided that this time in my life is the best time to really invest a lot into loving myself. Of course, we should always be investing in self-love, but sometimes, we may need to do a little more than usual. Some people, unfortunately, may have never invested in self-love and need to start doing so. For me, I haven't invested in self-love for YEARS, so I definitely have a lot of investing to start doing now. Seeing as how I don't have a husband, kids, or a full-time career yet, what better time to completely focus on building myself up with God's and my own love?

I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there who is in need of her own love. And even if you do have a lot going on and a lot of people to tend to, you can and should still make time to l.o.v.e on y.o.u. Why? Because you are important and you're worth it--nobody deserves your love more than God and yourself! Plus, it's hard to be all you can be when you're at odds with yourself. It's also hard to have a life of true joy and peace when you have little to no love for yourself.

So, how do you know if you need to start investing or invest more in self-love? 

Here are 5 signs to look out for:

1. You Don't Love Yourself (and You Barely Like Yourself): You can't stand yourself--you pick yourself apart relentlessly, insult yourself and neglect your own needs. You don't enjoy your own company and really dislike the idea of truly spending some quality time with yourself. You just don't care about yourself enough to put forth the effort to make sure that you're healthy and happy. Worst of all, you don't think you're worth the effort. 

2. You Don't See Yourself The Way God Sees You: As I said in my Who Are You? video, you are fearfully and wonderfully made, you were made to do a good work, to be holy. You're a daughter of God who has been redeemed, forgiven and made anew in Christ. That's how God sees you. But you don't see that--you see a failure, a screw-up, the same woman who couldn't break free from her chains, you see a condemned woman who is broken beyond repair and who is just not good enough. You disagree with God about who you are and your worth.

3. You Don't Trust Yourself (or God): You don't trust what God says about who you are and who He created you to be. You also don't trust yourself. You ignore your instincts, along with the Holy Spirit's warnings and often go against your better judgement. You second-guess and constantly question the decisions you make. You don't believe that you're capable of making a sound decision. You distrust yourself so much that you start to allow others to make decisions for you--decisions about who you are, what you're worth, what you want, what you need, etc.

4. You're Unreasonably Hard on Yourself: While you're able to have empathy, compassion and forgiveness for others, you don't have the same for yourself. Your beat yourself up about your mistakes over and over again. You become angry with yourself for not being perfect. You see yourself as weak for not being able to hold it together all of the time. Everyone else around you can be human--they can be vulnerable and make mistakes from time-to-time, but you? No, you have to be Superwoman or you're not good enough. 

5. You Have a Lot of Toxic People in Your Inner Circle (and/or Have a History of Toxic Relationships):

"We accept the love we think we deserve."--Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. 

And based on the people who you tend to choose to be your close friends and romantic partners, you seem to believe that you don't deserve love at all. The people closest to you seem to hurt you the most--they belittle you, judge you, criticize you, may be verbally/emotionally abusive to you, manipulate you and the list goes on and on. Whatever the case is, you seem to find yourself tied to people who do everything BUT show you love, care, trust and respect. If you really pay attention, you will realize that, in some ways, you treat yourself the same way these people treat you. And you stay around these people because you don't believe you deserve any better.

If you see yourself in one or more of these signs, I want you to know that God loves you unconditionally and there is nothing you can do to change that. With that being said, here's what to do if you realize that you need to l.o.v.e on y.o.u: 

1. Learn what God has to say about you and your worth: Affirmations: Who I Am in Christ is a good place to start. As always, though, read the Word of God, The Bible. It will tell you everything you need to know about who you are in Christ.

2. Ask for Help: You don't have to do this alone. Really, you don't! Pray and ask God, your loving Heavenly Father, to help you to see, love and treat yourself the way He does. Ask Him to lead you to and to bring people in your life who can help and support you on your journey to loving yourself. You may already have a good, supporting family or friend(s) who can support you. Or maybe you have a church family or an organization. Either way, reach out to them and ask for help! If they are truly people who love you, they will be more than willing to help you to build yourself up with love. They already love you, and will want you to love yourself too. Also know that there's nothing wrong with getting help from a counselor or therapist either. Like doctors, counselors and therapists are there to help you become and stay healthy. However, unlike doctors, counselors and therapists focus on your mental and emotional health, which is just as important and often influences your physical health.

3. Do things that make you happy, that are healthy and that make you feel good about yourself: What do you like to do? What can you do to benefit you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually? When do you feel good about yourself? What can you do to feel good about yourself? Ask yourself these questions and answer them in action. Doing this will enable you to live life with you in mind.

4. Practice Loving Yourself: Write down positive affirmations, engage in positive self-talk (and fight back against that inner critic!), dress your best (even when you don't feel like it!)--engage in the actions that people who love themselves do.

5. Remove Negativity: Get rid of people who treat you less than God's best and seem to disagree with who God says you are. Stop doing things that are unhealthy and that make you feel bad about yourself.

Please know that it's never too late to start loving yourself. Now, loving yourself is a process--it doesn't happen overnight, especially if you have negative thoughts, negative self-talk and self-destructive tendencies to battle. With that in mind, try to be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Attempt to show yourself some compassion and forgiveness as you go through this process. As a woman who is going through this process, loving yourself is something that is truly easier said than done. God understands that as well, and if you let Him, He will help you every step of the way. 

Love,

Jenai H.

The Furthest Thing

Sometimes, which is becoming most of the time, I feel like a hot mess.

• I still don't love myself the way God loves does.
• I still can't seem to stick to a regular sleeping and working schedule. I buy these planners and calendars, create detailed schedules and never follow them.
• I struggle with getting to work on time and have been late on days when I was being observed.
• I'm still not being honest with everyone about how I feel and what I want.
• I still can't let that guy go..even though he has been tap-dancing all over my heart and self-esteem.
• I am starting to curse like a sailor.
• I still refuse to let go of the past.
• I'm not putting in as much effort as I should in my relationship with God. I'm giving Him pieces of me instead of all of me. I'm not making as much time for Him as He truly deserves.

I've made a lot of progress in the last few months, but while I now know who I am and who God created me to be, I haven't fully internalized and embraced it yet. In fact, for the last 2 weeks, I have been really putting myself down--I put myself down in conversations with others and instead of engaging in positive self-talk with myself, I have been reminding myself of the negative things that toxic people have spoke over my life and am holding onto it.

Because of my battle with self-love and low self-esteem, I often find myself becoming and being jealous of other women. I compare myself to them and always find myself coming up short. These feelings of insecurity and jealousy lead me to wanting to be someone other than the woman God created me to be. I forget that the only person I should be comparing myself to is the old Jenai. I start to see other women as competition or my enemy--which is even worse. I want to see all women as my sisters, as my friends, but my jealousy and insecurity make it hard to do that sometimes.

With all of this in mind, I wonder if I should have created Not of This World--should I be posting on Facebook, making YouTube videos and creating blog posts in an attempt to help, empower, support and guide other women when I'm obviously still battling my own inner demons?

And when I see other Christian women who have created safe communities and ministries, they seem to be so put together--they have successful careers, a healthy & happy marriage/relationship or they seem to be completely at peace with being single, they have mastered living healthily, they're empowered & confident & happy, they're intelligent, they have a close & stable relationship with God and they're freakin' beautiful--inside and out. It's like they're everything I'm...not. Or everything I'm trying to be, but for whatever reason, can't. I began to feel that maybe I shouldn't be trying to help anyone--I'm too much of a mess to do so.

But I'm starting to realize that no one is perfect--not even the people who seem like they are--and that I don't have to be perfect to do God's work and be a blessing to others. In fact, my flaws have helped to make me a beautiful woman who can empathize, support, love and accept others. They have blessed me with perspective and understanding.

When I think about being a mess and still being able to do good, I think of a scene on My Mad Fat Diary, a new show that is shown in the UK. Rae, the main character is a 16-year-old who is struggling with mental illness, among other issues. She has a therapist, named Kester. Kester is far from perfect--he's in the midst of a divorce and has been kicked out of his house. Due to his own personal issues--his divorce and the death of one of his clients, he took a leave of absence  In the scene I'm referring to, Rae has found Kester in his home, lying next to a toilet in what appears to be the aftermath of a very rough night.

They have a heart-to-heart, and in that heart-to-heart, Rae tells him, "I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

And that pulled my heartstrings.

"I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

I may be imperfect, I may even be a mess sometimes. And maybe my imperfections, my struggles, make me easier to relate to. Maybe it makes it easier for other women to see themselves in me. And when I succeed, when I overcome--and I will, they will be able to see that someone like them can make it out of their mess.

God didn't call me to be perfect. He called me to be Jenai--flaws and all. He also knows that I'm more than my flaws. He sees all of me, knows all of me and loves me unconditionally. I will continue to work on loving and seeing myself the way God does. I hope you continue to do the same.

Love,
Jenai H.

Revive Me!

A lot of good things have been happening in my life.

I have not one, but two wonderful jobs. I've recently been accepted into graduate school for Mental Health Counseling. And I have finally started to work on a project that I'm passionate about (hinthint: Not of This World) and have an opportunity to try some new things before I start school in the Fall. Not only that, I have been blessed with a great support system.

But, for some reason, I am not really excited about life. I'll admit everything isn't perfect--I have been dealing with health issues that leave me feeling less than my best (I was only able to go to work one day this week because I had gotten so sick!), I am still struggling with anxiety from time to time, I'm working on removing toxic habits (thinking patterns, behaviors, beliefs etc.) and people from my life--it's a very difficult and scary process, and I'm fighting between pleasing others and being myself all of the time. It's hard and maybe, just maybe, these things are making it hard for me to be excited about my life.

My relationship with God feels distant. I don't really feel Him and I feel disconnected. I don't know what to do to reconnect myself back to Him. Even with prayer, devotionals, fellowship, I still don't feel Him, and as a result, I haven't been putting my all into my relationship with Him.

With all of this in mind, I have come to the decision to work on making some changes in my life. And since Lent started on Wednesday, I figured this is the perfect time to do so. I'm going to try to make healthier choices--sleeping at a regular schedule and making sure I get enough hours, choosing to eat healthy food more often, exercising regularly, asserting myself more and being honest with myself, as well as being honest with others, and really studying God's word. I also want to learn how to really listen to God and to study His word.

Now, I know, sometimes I just won't be feeling life. Sometimes I won't be on an emotional high--even with God. There will be dry seasons, difficult seasons, there will be seasons where the struggle is real--and. that's. okay. :) It's a part of life. We won't always feel as though we're on top of the world, and we may need to fall down and just lay there for awhile instead of instantly getting back up. But eventually, when it's time, we will get back up again and keep pushing forward.

I still need to rest some. I still need to let my mind, soul and body rest. But when the time comes--and it's coming soon!--I will get up and keep pushing forward.

Kindest Regards,

Jenai H.

God's Will

On Saturday, February 22, 2014, I was accepted into graduate school for Mental Health Counseling.

I was shocked that I had been accepted so quickly (the interview had been that Friday and we had been told to expect to hear back from them in 2 weeks--around March 7th), but I was happy and thankful that I no longer had to play the painful waiting game.

After allowing the fact that I will be going back to school in the Fall (yay!) to soak in, I realized that I had learned a very important lesson: What God has for you, is for you!

During the entire application process, I prayed and asked God that His will be done--so, if this particular program was meant for me and if God felt that it was the right time for me to enter into it, then and only then did I want it to happen. But if it wasn't in God's will, then ultimately, since God has my best interest at heart, I would trust Him and ask that He guide me to my next step. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that one of my heart's desires--to attend graduate school for Mental Health Counseling in the Fall of 2014--was in line with God's will for my life.

There have been times where what I wanted was not in line with God's will and/or wasn't God's best for me. Before I started working at my current job as a Reading Interventionist (a RI is a person who works with elementary school children on their vocabulary and reading comprehension skills), I really wanted to work with PATLive--a company that employs people to work as receptionists for various businesses around the world.

I thought PATLive was perfect for me: It had a flexible schedule and since they're open 24/7, I could work anytime of the day or week, they were a company that was used to working with current and future students, they paid $10 an hour and the job was pretty simple and laid-back. Unfortunately, after attending 2 interviews, PATLive decided to not hire me.

I reluctantly and disappointingly continued my job search and applied for the position as a Reading Interventionist. While I had no problem working with children, I wasn't comfortable with teaching them and did not want a job that would require me to do so. But, I had bills to pay and a strong desire for some sense of financial independence, so I applied for the position anyway. I was invited for an interview and immediately after the interview, I was offered the job on the spot.

Of course, I took the job and after working as a Reading Interventionist for about 4 months, I realize that this job is much, much better than the job I would have had at PATLive: I work according to the public school schedule, which means I automatically have weekends and holidays off and don't work past 3:00p.m. on weekdays, I make $14 an hour, have a VERY flexible schedule and wonderful coworkers. I also received a lot of training that helped me to feel comfortable and confident when it comes to teaching the children. The job isn't simple--it's challenging, but it's the perfect job for me and I feel that it has truly allowed me to grow professionally.

With that in mind, I always try to acknowledge that no matter what I may want or believe is right for me, God's will trumps mine and for good reason--God already knows the beginning and end of my story, He is my creator and knows me better than I know myself. Most importantly, He loves me unconditionally and has my best interest at heart. There's no one better to direct my path than my creator, the author and finisher of my story--God. And I thank Him so much for placing me in this Mental Health Counseling program.

Kindest Regards,
Jenai H.