Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

God's Will

On Saturday, February 22, 2014, I was accepted into graduate school for Mental Health Counseling.

I was shocked that I had been accepted so quickly (the interview had been that Friday and we had been told to expect to hear back from them in 2 weeks--around March 7th), but I was happy and thankful that I no longer had to play the painful waiting game.

After allowing the fact that I will be going back to school in the Fall (yay!) to soak in, I realized that I had learned a very important lesson: What God has for you, is for you!

During the entire application process, I prayed and asked God that His will be done--so, if this particular program was meant for me and if God felt that it was the right time for me to enter into it, then and only then did I want it to happen. But if it wasn't in God's will, then ultimately, since God has my best interest at heart, I would trust Him and ask that He guide me to my next step. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that one of my heart's desires--to attend graduate school for Mental Health Counseling in the Fall of 2014--was in line with God's will for my life.

There have been times where what I wanted was not in line with God's will and/or wasn't God's best for me. Before I started working at my current job as a Reading Interventionist (a RI is a person who works with elementary school children on their vocabulary and reading comprehension skills), I really wanted to work with PATLive--a company that employs people to work as receptionists for various businesses around the world.

I thought PATLive was perfect for me: It had a flexible schedule and since they're open 24/7, I could work anytime of the day or week, they were a company that was used to working with current and future students, they paid $10 an hour and the job was pretty simple and laid-back. Unfortunately, after attending 2 interviews, PATLive decided to not hire me.

I reluctantly and disappointingly continued my job search and applied for the position as a Reading Interventionist. While I had no problem working with children, I wasn't comfortable with teaching them and did not want a job that would require me to do so. But, I had bills to pay and a strong desire for some sense of financial independence, so I applied for the position anyway. I was invited for an interview and immediately after the interview, I was offered the job on the spot.

Of course, I took the job and after working as a Reading Interventionist for about 4 months, I realize that this job is much, much better than the job I would have had at PATLive: I work according to the public school schedule, which means I automatically have weekends and holidays off and don't work past 3:00p.m. on weekdays, I make $14 an hour, have a VERY flexible schedule and wonderful coworkers. I also received a lot of training that helped me to feel comfortable and confident when it comes to teaching the children. The job isn't simple--it's challenging, but it's the perfect job for me and I feel that it has truly allowed me to grow professionally.

With that in mind, I always try to acknowledge that no matter what I may want or believe is right for me, God's will trumps mine and for good reason--God already knows the beginning and end of my story, He is my creator and knows me better than I know myself. Most importantly, He loves me unconditionally and has my best interest at heart. There's no one better to direct my path than my creator, the author and finisher of my story--God. And I thank Him so much for placing me in this Mental Health Counseling program.

Kindest Regards,
Jenai H.