Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

Living Saved...and Single

So, I'm single. And I'm choosing to be single because:

1. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining my relationship with God.
2. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself, a relationship in which I'm able to accept, respect, trust, care and love myself, as well as show myself the same grace and compassion that God does.
3. I want to focus on improving myself professionally and getting my combined Master of Science and Specialist in Education degree in Mental Health Counseling. (By the way, I forgot to mention this in my video!)

And I wondered to myself: "How long do I intend to work on these things? How long do I intend to be voluntarily single?" Because, honestly, reasons #1 and #2 will be things that I intend to work on for the rest of my life--I can always do better and do more for God and myself. I then decided that I would open myself up to romantic relationships when I'm at a place where I'm secure in my relationship with God and myself, as well as settled in my career and have my own place.

I hope to be in that place in 3 years, lol.

However, it's about God's Will, not mine. So if God decides that I need to be single in less or more time than I planned--that's fine, and if it's simply not in His Will for me to be half of a couple--that's fine too. I'm going with His flow, not the other way around.

I'm starting to realize that focusing on just God, myself and remaining single isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Suddenly, I have men, like, paying attention to me (lol!) and wanting to be more than friends...and sometimes it's hard to say no. Sometimes I entertain things I shouldn't and I hate having a crush on someone because I know that it's not the time to do anything about it. 

Sometimes I don't like being single.

Sometimes I want to spend all night flirting and talking with a man I really like and who likes me back, I want to cuddle and be held by the arms of a man who really, really likes me or even loves me, I want to go on dates where we laugh too loud over reasonably-priced delicious food and then end the date with a kiss so deep that it pulls out all of the toxic "love" I've received over the years.

At times, I beat myself up about not always being happy-go-lucky about being single or wanting someone other than God and myself, but I realize that it's okay--the ups AND downs, and as a human, I was created to desire relationships with others, and that includes romantic relationships. With that in mind, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to be understanding and show compassion to myself, while still holding myself accountable and responsible for focusing and working on doing God's work and improving myself.

To all my beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made Single Ladies: Use this time to focus on the things you have been avoiding while dating and going from relationship-to-relationship, use it to heal yourself, to forgive, to improve yourself in all ways, to enjoy your loved ones. Know that you won't always be happy about being single either--at times, you may really dislike it, you may miss and long for the things that come with being in a relationship, and that's okay. Feel it through and pray continually for peace and trust in God's Will for your life.

Falling in love and starting a life with someone is an adventure, but so is falling in love with God and yourself. In fact, I would say that it's the most important adventure you will ever have.

Love,

Jenai H.

Revive Me!

A lot of good things have been happening in my life.

I have not one, but two wonderful jobs. I've recently been accepted into graduate school for Mental Health Counseling. And I have finally started to work on a project that I'm passionate about (hinthint: Not of This World) and have an opportunity to try some new things before I start school in the Fall. Not only that, I have been blessed with a great support system.

But, for some reason, I am not really excited about life. I'll admit everything isn't perfect--I have been dealing with health issues that leave me feeling less than my best (I was only able to go to work one day this week because I had gotten so sick!), I am still struggling with anxiety from time to time, I'm working on removing toxic habits (thinking patterns, behaviors, beliefs etc.) and people from my life--it's a very difficult and scary process, and I'm fighting between pleasing others and being myself all of the time. It's hard and maybe, just maybe, these things are making it hard for me to be excited about my life.

My relationship with God feels distant. I don't really feel Him and I feel disconnected. I don't know what to do to reconnect myself back to Him. Even with prayer, devotionals, fellowship, I still don't feel Him, and as a result, I haven't been putting my all into my relationship with Him.

With all of this in mind, I have come to the decision to work on making some changes in my life. And since Lent started on Wednesday, I figured this is the perfect time to do so. I'm going to try to make healthier choices--sleeping at a regular schedule and making sure I get enough hours, choosing to eat healthy food more often, exercising regularly, asserting myself more and being honest with myself, as well as being honest with others, and really studying God's word. I also want to learn how to really listen to God and to study His word.

Now, I know, sometimes I just won't be feeling life. Sometimes I won't be on an emotional high--even with God. There will be dry seasons, difficult seasons, there will be seasons where the struggle is real--and. that's. okay. :) It's a part of life. We won't always feel as though we're on top of the world, and we may need to fall down and just lay there for awhile instead of instantly getting back up. But eventually, when it's time, we will get back up again and keep pushing forward.

I still need to rest some. I still need to let my mind, soul and body rest. But when the time comes--and it's coming soon!--I will get up and keep pushing forward.

Kindest Regards,

Jenai H.

Me, Myself and I

I like being alone.

When I’m alone, I feel as though I am completely free—I can do what I want, when I want, how I want and there’s no one pressuring, critiquing or judging me while I do it. I can feel and express any emotions I had to suppress during the day in the privacy of my room or empty house (if I’m lucky, lol) with no repercussion. I can be me—unapologetically. Being alone has become something that I truly enjoy. And I am almost NEVER bored—there is always something I can do: sleep, eat, watch TV, blog, vlog (video blogging), write, surf the internet, sing, dance, research random topics, take online personality quizzes (I can literally do that for hours), read…the list goes on and on. There’s nothing quite like enjoying your own company.

I didn’t always like being alone. When I was younger, I would find myself instantly feeling lonely if I wasn’t around people. I also had a lot of “I’m bored” moments. I hated being alone so much I fought to keep toxic, unhealthy and abusive relationships. Even though these relationships hurt me immensely, I stuck around because the thought of being with myself seemed to be much worse than being with people who took every opportunity to tear me down. I was so desperate to not be alone, that I tried to change myself to please others. I literally made a list of things certain people said I should change and devoted a summer to trying to implement those changes.

Fortunately, I realized that trying to be someone I’m not was much worse than being myself and being alone from time to time. So, my Operation: Change Jenai was terminated after a few weeks. I then began focusing on myself—finding out what I need, want, think, and feel—I began figuring out who I am, and ultimately, who I want to be.

Since then, I’ve found myself wanting to spend a lot of quality time with me, myself and I. And I don’t just spend a lot of quality time with myself in the house (even though I am a homebody!), but I’ve went to the mall, to restaurants, to parks—I especially enjoy driving by myself, it’s such a relaxing experience.

Spending all this time with myself has allowed me to truly learn and work toward accepting that I’m

• An Emotional Woman: I feel deeply. More deeply than the people around me. In a world where a lot of people attempt to hide their feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
• Awkward: While I can perform well in social situations, I am still prone to causing socially awkward moments. I may make too much or too little eye contact, talk too much and/or too fast, use words that may not actually exist, not know what to say and cause uncomfortable silences and sometimes I want to avoid creating a potential awkward social situation so much that I just go out of my way to avoid making contact with people altogether. It’s hard out here for an awkward black woman.
• A Beautiful Black Woman: I used to want to want to be a really light-skinned woman with long, straight hair. I didn’t like my black features—I wanted white features. I now embrace my lovely brown skin and soft, short, thick natural hair. I am proud of the melanin in my skin.
• Christian: I realize that it’s only because of God that I have come this far. I make sure to acknowledge this fact. His love for me is what saved me, and I want to share His love with others, in the hopes that it brings them closer to God and transforms them. I want to learn how to trust God fully, to accept His will wholeheartedly and to be the woman He created me to be. I have spent the majority of my life running from God, but not anymore. Instead of running from Him, I am now running into His arms.
• Feminist/Womanist: For many years, I’ve tried to avoid calling myself a feminist or saying/doing things that would cause people to label me as such. I had allowed the negative stereotypes and the stigma that society had attached to feminism to deter me from embracing it completely. But I know what feminism truly is, why I believe in it and why it’s important to me. With that in mind, I’ve decided to stop allowing society to scare me out of owning my beliefs.

Being a black woman, a Christian, awkward, a feminist and emotional all have negative stereotypes associated with them, but I am not those stereotypes--I am Jenai and I represent each of these labels in my own unique way. I no longer want to run from myself or allow people to make me feel bad about who I am.

It feels like forever since I’ve felt lonely. I am so glad that I can finally enjoy my own company. I can’t wait for the day when I can honestly say that I love myself as much and in the same way God does.

Kindest Regards,

Jenai H.