Change is Constant, Growth is Optional

I believe that each and every one of us has a unique, divine purpose to fulfill, a mission to accomplish. Our purposes' aren't the same and while some of us may have a similar purpose, we will probably fulfill that purpose in a different way from our peers. However, no matter what we do or how we do it, it is all, hopefully, going towards the same goal of changing the world for the better, for spreading love, for performing love and ridding the world of anything that even resembles hate. And no matter how small or big each contribution may seem, we are all needed to make the change happen and for the change to remain.

It should be no secret that we live in a society that is filled with hate--and that hate has manifested itself into racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, etc. I've written about this before and truly believe that it is necessary that as a black woman who believes her purpose is to perform the radical act of walking in love, that I do my best to call out these forms of hate, to challenge, rebel and reject them and to stand with those who are oppressed. That, to me, is an important part of putting love into action, into more than a feeling. Loving someone, loving others, should lead to you caring about their well-being, wanting the best for them and being there for them when they need you.

Michael Brown, an unarmed, black 18-year-old was gunned down, shot and killed in Ferguson, Missouri by Darren Wilson, a police officer of the St. Louis County Police Department on Saturday, August 9, 2014. 

This was murder, it was police brutality, it was racism in action--it was hate in action. Michael Brown is not the first or the only one--every 28 hours a black person is killed by police, security guard or vigilante. At this time, people are protesting, organizing, petitioning, reporting, writing--they are doing all they can to fight against a system that is set up to hurt and oppress black people. I encourage you to discover the gifts and talents that God has blessed you with and use them to change the world in some way, to fight against racism and other forms of oppression, to fight against police brutality, to fight for and stand with Michael Brown and other black and brown people who are targeted by this system.

I believe that my gifts are writing, public speaking, performing spoken word and counseling. I intend to use these gifts to do what I can from where I am to create change. I stand with Michael Brown, with Ferguson, with black and brown people, with oppressed groups and communities and I cannot perform the radical act of walking in love if I do otherwise. With that being said, I leave you with this poem, the first meaningful poem that I have written in awhile:

To be black and conscious
in America
is to be in a constant state of rage,
James Baldwin was
and still is
right
--I'm becoming the angry black woman,
but please believe that my anger is justified and righteous
--we got black women being told that
their natural kinks and curls are not welcome in this world,
that they need to be tame and laid,
we got black people trying to erase away
the melanin in their skin 'cause the lighter than righter,
we reject ourselves and who we are without even knowing it
because we have been born into a world
that tells us we are wrong
that we do not belong
and they show us 'cause actions speak louder than words
--we got black men,
black boys,
black women,
and black girls
being killed for simply existing,
and if we persist to exist,
we will live long enough
to know that they love everything about us:
our language
our accents
our fashion
our music
our food
our culture
but hate us
we will live long enough
to realize
that the system works against
not for
us
and some of us are still drinking the sugarless Kool-Aid
and believe that none of this is about race
that racism isn't real anymore
and all of us who see it just have masochistic imaginations
along with a victim complex, 'cause black people just love
pulling the race card
when instead, we should be pulling our pants up
and stop pulling our skirts down while realizing that
"it's not all white people"
so be nice
and crack a few "nigga jokes" with your white friends
cause they're just jokes
and ignoring racism, not talking about racism
joking about racism
is how racism will end, after all
we're all just people
we all bleed red
and a white person's hurt feelings
is equal to black blood being shed on the streets
so don't you see, we're already in post-racial America!

Black men, dress up in your suit and tie
Black ladies, don't wear nothing above the thigh
and don't you dare twerk
don't you dare curse
don't you dare smoke
don't you dare be anything other than the perfect example
of black respectability
'cause if you don't, you deserve the removal
of your humanity and your death is on you.

Just be nice to the whites.
Be like them and be right.

But the joke is on us,
Black and brown people--the joke is on us,
'cause no matter what we do
we'll always be black in their sight
we'll always be what's not right in the picture
and if we're not slaves--in action and in mind,
we deserve to die.

My hope and prayer is that more and more people start tapping into their purpose, their talents, and gifts and use them to not only cause change, but to cause positive growth in themselves, others, and ultimately, the world.

Love,
Jenai H.

Living Saved...and Single

So, I'm single. And I'm choosing to be single because:

1. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining my relationship with God.
2. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself, a relationship in which I'm able to accept, respect, trust, care and love myself, as well as show myself the same grace and compassion that God does.
3. I want to focus on improving myself professionally and getting my combined Master of Science and Specialist in Education degree in Mental Health Counseling. (By the way, I forgot to mention this in my video!)

And I wondered to myself: "How long do I intend to work on these things? How long do I intend to be voluntarily single?" Because, honestly, reasons #1 and #2 will be things that I intend to work on for the rest of my life--I can always do better and do more for God and myself. I then decided that I would open myself up to romantic relationships when I'm at a place where I'm secure in my relationship with God and myself, as well as settled in my career and have my own place.

I hope to be in that place in 3 years, lol.

However, it's about God's Will, not mine. So if God decides that I need to be single in less or more time than I planned--that's fine, and if it's simply not in His Will for me to be half of a couple--that's fine too. I'm going with His flow, not the other way around.

I'm starting to realize that focusing on just God, myself and remaining single isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Suddenly, I have men, like, paying attention to me (lol!) and wanting to be more than friends...and sometimes it's hard to say no. Sometimes I entertain things I shouldn't and I hate having a crush on someone because I know that it's not the time to do anything about it. 

Sometimes I don't like being single.

Sometimes I want to spend all night flirting and talking with a man I really like and who likes me back, I want to cuddle and be held by the arms of a man who really, really likes me or even loves me, I want to go on dates where we laugh too loud over reasonably-priced delicious food and then end the date with a kiss so deep that it pulls out all of the toxic "love" I've received over the years.

At times, I beat myself up about not always being happy-go-lucky about being single or wanting someone other than God and myself, but I realize that it's okay--the ups AND downs, and as a human, I was created to desire relationships with others, and that includes romantic relationships. With that in mind, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to be understanding and show compassion to myself, while still holding myself accountable and responsible for focusing and working on doing God's work and improving myself.

To all my beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made Single Ladies: Use this time to focus on the things you have been avoiding while dating and going from relationship-to-relationship, use it to heal yourself, to forgive, to improve yourself in all ways, to enjoy your loved ones. Know that you won't always be happy about being single either--at times, you may really dislike it, you may miss and long for the things that come with being in a relationship, and that's okay. Feel it through and pray continually for peace and trust in God's Will for your life.

Falling in love and starting a life with someone is an adventure, but so is falling in love with God and yourself. In fact, I would say that it's the most important adventure you will ever have.

Love,

Jenai H.

Me, Myself and I

I like being alone.

When I’m alone, I feel as though I am completely free—I can do what I want, when I want, how I want and there’s no one pressuring, critiquing or judging me while I do it. I can feel and express any emotions I had to suppress during the day in the privacy of my room or empty house (if I’m lucky, lol) with no repercussion. I can be me—unapologetically. Being alone has become something that I truly enjoy. And I am almost NEVER bored—there is always something I can do: sleep, eat, watch TV, blog, vlog (video blogging), write, surf the internet, sing, dance, research random topics, take online personality quizzes (I can literally do that for hours), read…the list goes on and on. There’s nothing quite like enjoying your own company.

I didn’t always like being alone. When I was younger, I would find myself instantly feeling lonely if I wasn’t around people. I also had a lot of “I’m bored” moments. I hated being alone so much I fought to keep toxic, unhealthy and abusive relationships. Even though these relationships hurt me immensely, I stuck around because the thought of being with myself seemed to be much worse than being with people who took every opportunity to tear me down. I was so desperate to not be alone, that I tried to change myself to please others. I literally made a list of things certain people said I should change and devoted a summer to trying to implement those changes.

Fortunately, I realized that trying to be someone I’m not was much worse than being myself and being alone from time to time. So, my Operation: Change Jenai was terminated after a few weeks. I then began focusing on myself—finding out what I need, want, think, and feel—I began figuring out who I am, and ultimately, who I want to be.

Since then, I’ve found myself wanting to spend a lot of quality time with me, myself and I. And I don’t just spend a lot of quality time with myself in the house (even though I am a homebody!), but I’ve went to the mall, to restaurants, to parks—I especially enjoy driving by myself, it’s such a relaxing experience.

Spending all this time with myself has allowed me to truly learn and work toward accepting that I’m

• An Emotional Woman: I feel deeply. More deeply than the people around me. In a world where a lot of people attempt to hide their feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
• Awkward: While I can perform well in social situations, I am still prone to causing socially awkward moments. I may make too much or too little eye contact, talk too much and/or too fast, use words that may not actually exist, not know what to say and cause uncomfortable silences and sometimes I want to avoid creating a potential awkward social situation so much that I just go out of my way to avoid making contact with people altogether. It’s hard out here for an awkward black woman.
• A Beautiful Black Woman: I used to want to want to be a really light-skinned woman with long, straight hair. I didn’t like my black features—I wanted white features. I now embrace my lovely brown skin and soft, short, thick natural hair. I am proud of the melanin in my skin.
• Christian: I realize that it’s only because of God that I have come this far. I make sure to acknowledge this fact. His love for me is what saved me, and I want to share His love with others, in the hopes that it brings them closer to God and transforms them. I want to learn how to trust God fully, to accept His will wholeheartedly and to be the woman He created me to be. I have spent the majority of my life running from God, but not anymore. Instead of running from Him, I am now running into His arms.
• Feminist/Womanist: For many years, I’ve tried to avoid calling myself a feminist or saying/doing things that would cause people to label me as such. I had allowed the negative stereotypes and the stigma that society had attached to feminism to deter me from embracing it completely. But I know what feminism truly is, why I believe in it and why it’s important to me. With that in mind, I’ve decided to stop allowing society to scare me out of owning my beliefs.

Being a black woman, a Christian, awkward, a feminist and emotional all have negative stereotypes associated with them, but I am not those stereotypes--I am Jenai and I represent each of these labels in my own unique way. I no longer want to run from myself or allow people to make me feel bad about who I am.

It feels like forever since I’ve felt lonely. I am so glad that I can finally enjoy my own company. I can’t wait for the day when I can honestly say that I love myself as much and in the same way God does.

Kindest Regards,

Jenai H.