When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

Living Saved...and Single

So, I'm single. And I'm choosing to be single because:

1. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining my relationship with God.
2. I want to focus on strengthening, deepening and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself, a relationship in which I'm able to accept, respect, trust, care and love myself, as well as show myself the same grace and compassion that God does.
3. I want to focus on improving myself professionally and getting my combined Master of Science and Specialist in Education degree in Mental Health Counseling. (By the way, I forgot to mention this in my video!)

And I wondered to myself: "How long do I intend to work on these things? How long do I intend to be voluntarily single?" Because, honestly, reasons #1 and #2 will be things that I intend to work on for the rest of my life--I can always do better and do more for God and myself. I then decided that I would open myself up to romantic relationships when I'm at a place where I'm secure in my relationship with God and myself, as well as settled in my career and have my own place.

I hope to be in that place in 3 years, lol.

However, it's about God's Will, not mine. So if God decides that I need to be single in less or more time than I planned--that's fine, and if it's simply not in His Will for me to be half of a couple--that's fine too. I'm going with His flow, not the other way around.

I'm starting to realize that focusing on just God, myself and remaining single isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Suddenly, I have men, like, paying attention to me (lol!) and wanting to be more than friends...and sometimes it's hard to say no. Sometimes I entertain things I shouldn't and I hate having a crush on someone because I know that it's not the time to do anything about it. 

Sometimes I don't like being single.

Sometimes I want to spend all night flirting and talking with a man I really like and who likes me back, I want to cuddle and be held by the arms of a man who really, really likes me or even loves me, I want to go on dates where we laugh too loud over reasonably-priced delicious food and then end the date with a kiss so deep that it pulls out all of the toxic "love" I've received over the years.

At times, I beat myself up about not always being happy-go-lucky about being single or wanting someone other than God and myself, but I realize that it's okay--the ups AND downs, and as a human, I was created to desire relationships with others, and that includes romantic relationships. With that in mind, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to be understanding and show compassion to myself, while still holding myself accountable and responsible for focusing and working on doing God's work and improving myself.

To all my beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made Single Ladies: Use this time to focus on the things you have been avoiding while dating and going from relationship-to-relationship, use it to heal yourself, to forgive, to improve yourself in all ways, to enjoy your loved ones. Know that you won't always be happy about being single either--at times, you may really dislike it, you may miss and long for the things that come with being in a relationship, and that's okay. Feel it through and pray continually for peace and trust in God's Will for your life.

Falling in love and starting a life with someone is an adventure, but so is falling in love with God and yourself. In fact, I would say that it's the most important adventure you will ever have.

Love,

Jenai H.