When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.

The Furthest Thing

Sometimes, which is becoming most of the time, I feel like a hot mess.

• I still don't love myself the way God loves does.
• I still can't seem to stick to a regular sleeping and working schedule. I buy these planners and calendars, create detailed schedules and never follow them.
• I struggle with getting to work on time and have been late on days when I was being observed.
• I'm still not being honest with everyone about how I feel and what I want.
• I still can't let that guy go..even though he has been tap-dancing all over my heart and self-esteem.
• I am starting to curse like a sailor.
• I still refuse to let go of the past.
• I'm not putting in as much effort as I should in my relationship with God. I'm giving Him pieces of me instead of all of me. I'm not making as much time for Him as He truly deserves.

I've made a lot of progress in the last few months, but while I now know who I am and who God created me to be, I haven't fully internalized and embraced it yet. In fact, for the last 2 weeks, I have been really putting myself down--I put myself down in conversations with others and instead of engaging in positive self-talk with myself, I have been reminding myself of the negative things that toxic people have spoke over my life and am holding onto it.

Because of my battle with self-love and low self-esteem, I often find myself becoming and being jealous of other women. I compare myself to them and always find myself coming up short. These feelings of insecurity and jealousy lead me to wanting to be someone other than the woman God created me to be. I forget that the only person I should be comparing myself to is the old Jenai. I start to see other women as competition or my enemy--which is even worse. I want to see all women as my sisters, as my friends, but my jealousy and insecurity make it hard to do that sometimes.

With all of this in mind, I wonder if I should have created Not of This World--should I be posting on Facebook, making YouTube videos and creating blog posts in an attempt to help, empower, support and guide other women when I'm obviously still battling my own inner demons?

And when I see other Christian women who have created safe communities and ministries, they seem to be so put together--they have successful careers, a healthy & happy marriage/relationship or they seem to be completely at peace with being single, they have mastered living healthily, they're empowered & confident & happy, they're intelligent, they have a close & stable relationship with God and they're freakin' beautiful--inside and out. It's like they're everything I'm...not. Or everything I'm trying to be, but for whatever reason, can't. I began to feel that maybe I shouldn't be trying to help anyone--I'm too much of a mess to do so.

But I'm starting to realize that no one is perfect--not even the people who seem like they are--and that I don't have to be perfect to do God's work and be a blessing to others. In fact, my flaws have helped to make me a beautiful woman who can empathize, support, love and accept others. They have blessed me with perspective and understanding.

When I think about being a mess and still being able to do good, I think of a scene on My Mad Fat Diary, a new show that is shown in the UK. Rae, the main character is a 16-year-old who is struggling with mental illness, among other issues. She has a therapist, named Kester. Kester is far from perfect--he's in the midst of a divorce and has been kicked out of his house. Due to his own personal issues--his divorce and the death of one of his clients, he took a leave of absence  In the scene I'm referring to, Rae has found Kester in his home, lying next to a toilet in what appears to be the aftermath of a very rough night.

They have a heart-to-heart, and in that heart-to-heart, Rae tells him, "I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

And that pulled my heartstrings.

"I like that you're a mess. That's what makes you real, like us."

I may be imperfect, I may even be a mess sometimes. And maybe my imperfections, my struggles, make me easier to relate to. Maybe it makes it easier for other women to see themselves in me. And when I succeed, when I overcome--and I will, they will be able to see that someone like them can make it out of their mess.

God didn't call me to be perfect. He called me to be Jenai--flaws and all. He also knows that I'm more than my flaws. He sees all of me, knows all of me and loves me unconditionally. I will continue to work on loving and seeing myself the way God does. I hope you continue to do the same.

Love,
Jenai H.