The Power Trip: Help VS Control

As you already know, I want to become a Mental Health Counselor and basically, I want to devote a good amount of my life to helping people.

I've spent a lot of my life receiving help and guidance and being the person who is in need. It taught me some really important lessons. One of the most important lessons I learned is the difference between truly helping someone and attempting to control them.

I have encountered people who offered "help" that was never asked for or that I didn't feel was needed. People who, instead of helping me to figure out how to find me and what I want, as well as need--instead of helping me to be the best Jenai that I can be, they were attempting to mold me into being who they think and want me to be and were quick to tell me who I was, what I wanted and what I needed. In those situations, I didn't feel supported or empowered but pressured, confused, overwhelmed and stifled.

This happens a lot more than it should and sometimes we all may end up engaging in this type of power-tripping behavior, even if our hearts are in the right place and we have the best intentions, we still may end up crossing that fine line between help and control.

Here are 3 signs that you may be power-tripping:

1. You are constantly offering help or advice that was never asked for: If your friend, family member, etc. is doing something that isn't hurting them or others, yet you just don't like it or feel that they should be doing something different. . .then it may be best to just keep your opinion to yourself. While we want all of our loved ones to be the best and have the best, we need to allow our loved ones to decide what the best is for them and to respect that. Just because their best is not your best does not mean that they are suffering or need your help/advice.

Even if they may appear to need help, they may not be ready to make moves or feel comfortable enough to want to receive help from you, and if they are expressing that they're having trouble with something, they may just want to vent, they may just want your support in the form of a listening ear and comfort.

So, when you offer unasked for help/advice constantly, not only does doing this assume that they have a problem, but that they have a problem that they can't handle/solve on their own or need you to fix. Don't assume--ask questions and/or pray to God for guidance to figure out 1) Does this person need help?, 2) Does this person need my help? and 3) If they do need my help, what kind of help, when should I give this help and where is the appropriate place to provide this help? I also would suggest asking that God present you with an opportunity to help this person as well. This is what I tend to do--I tend to ask God to guide me when it comes to certain people and to let me know if I should do anything and if so, to guide my speech, thoughts and actions and to provide me with an opportunity to do so.

2. You THINK you know best: You do a lot of telling--you tell them what their problem(s) are, how to solve them, who they are, who they should be, what path they should take, etc. You have no idea if what you think is correct because even if you have asked them, since you believe you know what's best and that you know better than they do, you ignore them. You continue to attempt to make them into the person you feel they should be--to be "right" like you. What we must realize is that we need to ask questions, listen to the answers and then, work with the person to help them figure out how to find the answers to their problems--help them to develop healthy problem-solving skills so that they can do this on their own and be empowered. Be a friend, a guide, a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator--this takes a person's power away, makes them dependent on you and can cause them to not trust themselves.

3. You hold them to unfair/unreasonable standards: You give the person a deadline for how long their process should be and try to determine when they should reach certain stages in their life (i.e. You say stuff like: "You should have been over that." or "You're still dealing with this?")--you believe they should only take as long as you or other people have and that they should do it the same way because that way is the only "right" way. This ignores the fact that each person is different and that while we may share similar experiences, each experience is experienced differently by each person and has its own unique aspects. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to handle and process life, and what is healthy and good for one person may not be for someone else and that's okay. It is important to acknowledge and respect this--when we don't, we may end up rushing someone through their process and/or pressuring them to deal with it in a way that isn't comfortable or healthy for them--and that will only stunt their growth.

Helping someone isn't about you--it's about the other person, about serving them and allowing God to work through you to help that person get closer to being who God wants them to be and/or who they want to be--not who you or society wants them to be. If you're going to truly and genuinely help someone, be prepared, ready and willing to focus on someone other than yourself and to cast aside what you want for them or think they need--be open to hearing them out and working with them. Be a friend, be a guide, be a cheerleader and supporter--but don't be a dictator.

Walking in Love: My Life's Goal

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV)

I have been accepted into a Mental Health Counseling graduate program and will begin in the Fall of 2014. I have rarely questioned whether this is something I should or want to do--I feel that this is definitely the right path for me. And I feel that my overall purpose is connected to counseling, bu I also feel that my purpose is much bigger and goes beyond the counseling. Basically, it doesn't stop there.

I am starting to believe that my purpose is to walk in love.

For me, walking in love means to think and view people as God does and no matter how I feel, to treat people and to act in a loving, kind, considerate and respectful manner.

To elaborate, walking in love means that I:

• Don't tolerate people and their differences, but I accept them and welcome them with open arms. In my opinion, God's children are not meant to be tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. I do my best to open my mind and heart to the lives, opinions and emotions of others. To be empathetic--to at least attempt to understand.
• Actively reject everything that is not love. I don't do and will speak against oppressive systems such as racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism (this includes homophobia, transphobia, etc.)--I will use the gifts I've been blessed with to fight against these things and am currently working towards educating myself so that I can know exactly what these systems are, what they do and what they look like.
• Don't use the free will God gave me to take away the free will of others. I truly believe that your right ends where another person's right begins, and that we all should be allowed to make our own choices. Love frees, not controls. And if God allows us free will, who am I to take it away?
• Take responsibility for what I do and say and the effect that I have on the lives of others. I will acknowledge when I am wrong, apologize and take steps to correct myself. I strive to be a positive influence, a light and a blessing to those I encounter. The last thing I would want is to leave a legacy of broken hearts and spirits.
• Meet people where they are, meaning that I understand that they may not be in the same place I am, that it's okay and to find ways to serve them and meet their current needs.

I believe that this world is filled with a lot of hate and severely lacking in love. My ultimate goal is to do the completely radical act of walking in love, and to cause change in that way. My prayer is that my life is a testament to that. 

When You're Not the Perfect Christian

Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the church, I had this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman--what she looked like, talked like, thought like, acted like--and that I was far from being her.

Even as a 22-year-old woman, I still have this idea of The Perfect Christian Woman and the terrible feeling that I am not only far from being her, but that I will never be her.

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure where I got the idea of The Perfect Christian Woman from, but she just seemed to always exist in the back of my mind, reminding me that I'll never be good enough in the eyes of the church. other Christians, and God.

So, who is this Perfect Christian Woman? Well, she is. . .

• Holy and Good: This woman is the epitome of virtue, righteousness and Godliness. People know she's a Christian without her ever having to say a word. She doesn't curse, doesn't listen to secular music, doesn't watch reality TV or other television shows that contain what may be considered unholy, negative or ungodly things, doesn't talk about sex (unless it's in direct relation to religion, like speaking about modesty and waiting until marriage), and I'm pretty sure she doesn't twerk. 
• Always Involved in the Church: She probably has her own ministry within the church, attends bible study and other church services without fail, is out in the community helping others and is always spreading God's word.
• All About God: Whether it's social media, what she wears, how she speaks, or what she does in her spare time--it's all centered around God.
• Modest: This woman doesn't wear or like to wear short skirts, short shorts, crop tops, or anything that is too revealing and/or too tight. 
• Knowledgeable About God's Word: This woman reads her bible and knows it by heart.
• Positive: Even in the worst of situations, she's praising God, quoting scriptures, smiling, spreading hope, etc.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there. I always just knew and felt that I didn't measure up--with me cursing from time to time, my love of secular music and all kinds of TV, my struggle to remain consistent in attending church services, my inability to read past Genesis in the bible, my constant battle with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts--I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm not good enough. For a long time, I felt so bad that I refused to call myself a Christian--I felt like it was an insult to God to claim such a title. It was so bad I'd avoid church and God altogether because I felt so unworthy, like damaged goods that God was displeased with. 

But all of these thoughts and my belief in The Perfect Christian Woman are lies.

First of all, God loves me unconditionally. He says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He didn't create me to fit into some box, but to break out of the box and be the loving free spirit that you see before you today. God created me to be me and no one else. He has a special plan for me that only I can fulfill. I am good enough. I am worthy.

Second, there is no such thing as The Perfect Christian Woman. She's just someone that my vivid imagination and insecurities have created. Now, there are women who fit the description or who come close, but they don't always fit that description--sometimes, they're ridiculously human--they make mistakes, they sin, they might have doubt and struggle with their faith. Their journey probably isn't all rainbows and sunshine either. They need God just as much as you and me.

This idea of The Perfect Christian Woman has allowed me to dismiss the humanity of other Christian women--to ignore it. It has helped to fuel my jealousy and added to my insecurities. Not only that, but it has become something that further separates me from God and His people.

We all need God and His love. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all at different places in our spiritual walk. We are all different and created to fulfill different purposes for His kingdom. And that's okay.

Perfect doesn't exist, but God's grace, mercy and love does.